Guest Editorials

Like a menu from a greasy diner, the Boehner, Bachmann, Blunt budget offers a gut-busting bill of fare. Here’s what they’re wanting to dish up to Americans hungry for change and economic recovery. The GOP “Red-Plate Special” looks like this:

• Frozen Discretionary Spending, half-baked and served atop a Bubbling Recession
• Chopped Medicaid, diced and fricasseed; served in small portions
• Tax-Cut Soufflé, a puffy, mouthwatering treat for the wealthiest only
• Deficits Jubilee, a generous serving every day through 2080

The Boehner, Bachmann, Blunt budget “menu” is so unappetizing that even many of the GOP members in the House have gagged over it. Clearly, the American people have no stomach for such a cruel serving of leftovers even when garnished with a sprig of mugwort.

As I lifted weights at the gym recently, I noticed that my upper arms made a flapping motion like that of an ancient pterodactyl taking flight. I turned to my trainer and said, "I've been weightlifting for two decades, so why don't my upper arms look like Michelle Obama's? My triceps are flabby while hers are fabulous."

She smiled. She is gentle with us septuagenarians who are engaged in a tug of war with aging.

"Michelle's well-sculpted arms come from her being trim and toned all over," she said. “For the Obama’s, achieving ‘arms control’ is not just a foreign policy goal. Michelle works at looking that good by getting to the gym several days a week for a 90-minute workout.”

The First Lady is apparently disciplined when it comes to diet, too. I read that some recent White House guests have been critical of the smaller portions now being served at state dinners.

Undoubtedly, the combination of nutrition and exercise has kept the 44-year-old First Lady in the peak of fitness and she’s showing it off. When she was featured on the cover of Vogue and People magazines, she chose to bare her shapely arms. She went sleeveless at the joint session of Congress, the Inaugural Ball, and for her official portrait. Despite the comments of a few prudes, 85% of Americans have no problem with the exposure. In fact, women suffering from jiggling triceps are flocking to fitness centers to see what dumbbells can do for them between now and the onset of summer. If Michelle’s tony triceps display strength and self-disciple, that's not a bad image to convey in times like these.

Investigative reporter Seymour Hersh dropped a bomb shell this week during a panel discussion at the University of Minnesota.  He reviled the Bush Administration and Dick Cheney in particular, for domestic spying by the CIA and for running a covert military operation that included an "executive assassination ring."

The Pulitzer prize winning journalist, who promises to reveal all in an upcoming book, said, "Under President Bush's authority, they've been going into countries, not talking to the ambassador or the CIA station chief, and finding people on a list and executing them and leaving.  That's been going on, in the name of all of us."

As you may remember, it was Hersh who exposed the My Lai Massacre and reported extensively on the mistreatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib.  He described the Bush era as a time when "eight or nine neoconservatives took over our country. …They ran a government within the government. . . . It's really amazing to me that we manage to get such bad leadership, so consistently," he said, and blamed both public and press for tolerating poor governance.

If these assertions have any merit, it is all the more reason we need the Truth Commission espoused by Senator Patrick Leahy.  Hersh should offer more than just tantalizing tidbits; he needs to be forthcoming with the facts.

President Obama brought an end to a Lost Decade this week, when he lifted the eight-year ban on federally-funded stem cell research. The widened search for life-giving cures brings hope to millions who suffer with diabetes, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, and spinal cord injuries.

The president is wasting no time getting new research underway. In signing the executive order, he directed the National Institute of Health to come up with guidelines, including appropriate restrictions, within 120 days.

“Ultimately, I cannot guarantee that we will find the treatments and cures we seek. No president can promise that,” Obama said. “But I can promise that we will seek them—actively—responsibly, and with the urgency required to make up for lost ground.”

During the Bush era, scientists were unable to use cells discarded from fertility clinics or even cells taken from embryos that remained intact. Research into medical cures, as well as environmental and climate problems, were subject to tests of political correctness that stunted progress. But no more.

The president spoke of the importance of “free and open inquiry,” saying research “is about letting scientists….do their jobs, free from manipulation or coercion, and listening to what they tell us even when it’s inconvenient—especially when it’s inconvenient.”

As usual, critics are reviling those who don't share their views, though you might recall that two thousand years ago, Jesus and his disciples were also denounced for daring to bring cures to the hurting and helpless. Some things never change.

Just so you know that all the crazies are not on the Republican side of the aisle or even in the Missouri legislature looking for Obama’s original birth certificate, I point you to a Democratic lawmaker in West Virginia.

In want of some accomplishment to report on back home, Rep. Jeff Eldridge this week proposed that his state ban Barbie.  That's right, ban Barbie and other twiggy-shaped dolls! The zealous lawmaker thinks such toys influence girls to put too much importance on physical beauty at the expense of intellectual accomplishment.

Now, I have never been a fan of Barbie’s, but I hate to see the old gal treated so shabby. After all, this is her fifty birthday and I’m thinking she deserves a little more respect than Jeff is showing her. I suppose for her 50^th birthday, Mattel could transform the slender beauty into an intellectual Cabbage Patch Doll. But why tamper with success?

“I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you’re beautiful, you don’t have to be smart,” Mr. Eldridge said. Frankly, unless Jeff once played with Barbie dolls—or still does—he’s in no position to evaluate those who do. I always thought that Barbie with her many outfits (doctor, astronaut, scientist) showed that even if you’re beautiful you can still be successful. Pretty girls no longer have to settle for being professional pageant winner. Barbie gives them hope.

Likely, the problems will resolve itself without further government intervention. With the economy in a tailspin, mothers and daughters may return to making old-fashioned rag dolls, which I assume would be frumpy enough to suit Mr. Eldridge.

Each time we check out at the grocery store, we are presented with what my logic professor used to call a "faulty dilemma." The bagger dutifully asks: “Paper or plastic?” Neither is a good choice. I’d be better off bringing my own cloth or mesh bags like shopper once did in European villages.

Most of us don’t do that because it requires some thought. You have to get the bag to the car and stash it somewhere amongst the tapes, discarded sweatshirts, bottled water, and various sundries we all lug around. Then you must remember to take the bag with you into the store.

Rather than go to all that trouble, we accept one of the choices offered by the bagger and we’re quickly on our way. Until recently I have felt no guilt about walking out of the supermarket with a few plastic bags of groceries. After all, I use them to line the small wastebaskets scattered throughout my home.

But a bag here and a bag there, mounts up. We all know that the excessive use of plastic and paper is damaging to the environment.  Non-degradable plastic clogs pipes, kills wildlife and fish, and never totally breaks down when dumped into a sanitary landfill.

I find these statistics disturbing. Consider that:

. . . Approximately 100 billion plastic bags are used in the U.S. each year.

. . . The average American uses more than 1,200 plastic bags a year and only 1-2% are re-cycled.

. . . It takes 12 million barrels of oil to make all those bags.

. . . Plastic bags are used around the world at the rate of a million bags each minute!

I hate that word "stimulus package" or  STIM, as some are now calling it.  It's an awkward attempt to spice up Economics 101.  President Gerald Ford had a similar problem back in 1974, when he declared inflation "public enemy number one."   In an attempt to encourage savings, he introduced a new financial proposal, which he entitled: "Whip Inflation Now" and dispensed red and white buttons with the word WIN on it.  (Okay, boys and girls, everybody who remembers that, raise their hand--arthritis permitting.)

Even before bloggers came into being, there were mischievous wags ready to make fun of politicians and their crafty solutions.  Some people wore their WIN button upside down, where it then read NIM and gave the acronym new meaning like: "No Immediate Miracles" and "Need Immediate Money."

I'm thinking we should re-introduce those buttons and wear them upside down again.  I still have mine.  Besides, NIM has a better message to it than STIM-- which when spelled backwards is MITS.  Hmmm . . . could this be an omen that if the STIM fails, we might wind up with -- Romney? 

Sometimes it's scary to play with words.

Some years ago Art Linkletter, now 96, wrote a book entitled, "Kids Say the Darndest Things." We all laughed at the cute comments of those adorable little urchins. I’m thinking we need a sequel to the book entitled, “Republicans Say the Craziest Things with the Straightest Faces.” It would be a volume of great heft and humor. The current stimulus debate has provided several choice entries, amazing in their similarity.

Mel Martinez (R-FL), for instance, thinks it is “troubling to have government telling shareholders how much they can pay the executives.” Actually, companies can pay their executives with stock exceeding the proposed $500,000 cap, but the executive cannot cash in the stock until federal bailout funds have been repaid. That makes sense to most people, but not to the GOPers who have made trickledown economics the cornerstone of governance.

Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT) chimed in saying that when we cap executive salaries, “You run the risk of having a brain drain at the bank of their top talent.” Well, Bob, if that’s their top talent we’ve been seeing recently, it might be good to send in the second team.

More book-fodder craziness comes from Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) who acknowledged that “very bad things” are happening like the "government telling a company what it can pay its employees. That’s not a good thing in America.” Well, Senator, what’s even worse for America is unemployment standing at 7.6% and people losing their homes and life savings.

On the way to FDR's inauguration in 1932, outgoing President Hoover never spoke to his Democratic replacement. Fortunately, other Republicans were more helpful in reaching out to help the new president during the harsh economic times they all shared.

This week when D­ick Cheney was asked about the Bush administration's handling of the economy, ­he responded, “We worried about it . . . to some extent.” I was expecting him to continue with, “What did you expect of us? We wiretapped, we tortured, we chased imaginary WMDs. Hell, we couldn’t do every little thing.

Thank heavens, the economy is finally at the top of the White House to-do-list. Now that House Republicans are having to face up to their party’s mistakes, they are channeling their idol of laissez-faire government, Herbert Hoover. During the midst of the Great Depression, he clung to his belief that the economy would eventually right itself; it was not the purpose of government to intervene. Besides, Hoover declared, government assistance harms one’s character and encourages idleness. (Let’s hope tha­t’s not the case today when big corporations are the recipients of federal bailouts, else they may need moral assistance as well­ as monetary aid.)

Each time I was tempted to complain about the cold, the crowds, or the logistics on the Mall, my listeners had a tale of woe far worse than mine. Not getting onto the Mall for the Inaugural swearing-in was a badge of honor in Washington. If you were among them, you can join thousands of others at a site called Survivors of the Purple Tunnel of Doom. These purple, blue, and silver-ticketed people shared the same fate; they stood in a tunnel and missed the main event.

Yellow-ticketed Missourian had their own problems getting to their space, but most handled it with good humor. One even came up with a solution. “They should have put the Disney people in charge,”she said. “They know how to handle crowds and to keep them happy while standing in line.”

Another St. Louis woman, unable to reach her seat, returned to her hotel and played pinochles with her 12-year-old grandson as they watched the historic events unfold on television. Many left out in the cold, gave up their seat search and spent the time at the local bars along with those of similar fate.

I only got out of sorts once””a record for me, according to my family. After walking several blocks with my bum knee and arthritic back, headlong into the wind, in formal attire, clutching my coat collar about my face, I spotted the tented entrance to the District Convention Center. I made a beeline for the sheltered space, only to be foiled by a young woman standing at the entry, wearing an armband. She threw out both arms and yelled, “No more through this entrance; everyone go down the block and line up at the other entrance.”

1.  English sheepdogs will file a class action suit against Blogojevich for defaming their image.

2.  Governor George Allen will offer to send Blogo a real football to play with during yard time at the pen.

3.  A Sarah Palin likeness will be etched onto the face of Mt. McKinley with Crayolas by Piper and her classmates.

4.  If the economy continues to go South, wingnuts will call it an Obama Depression.  If the economy bounces back, they will applaud the Bush Recovery that occurred when he left office.

5.  Bernie Madoff will have a street in New York named after him.  It will be a  numbered street.

6.  Obama birth certificate theorists, frustrated by their failure to expose his foreign birth, will turn to seeking proof that Gov. Schwarzenegger was born in the U.S., thereby setting in motion a Schwarzenegger-Palin ticket in 2012.

7.  The Russians will drape a curtain over their northeast coastline to prevent the Peekin' Palins from looking in.

8.  Because of his broad background in the White House, Bill Clinton will become a roving Ambassador in charge of foreign affairs and covert relationships.

9.  Republicans will propose a "gag rule" to prevent comedian Al Franken from serving in the U.S. Senate.

10.  Governor Palin's new environmental initiative, "Shave & Save the Polar Bears" will allow the animals to adapt more easily to global warming.

11.  Joe the Plumber and Larry Craig will team up to market a new line of commercial toilet bowls with foot stirrups.

12.  President Bush will be so politically radioactive, he will be forced to retire to Yucca Mountain, Nevada.

I got a panic call from my daughter, Robin, this week. 

“Do you have the old family Bible?” she asked nervously.

“I don’t think so.  Let me take a look.”

I set down the phone and began to scour drawers, bookshelves and cabinets.  After some time, I found a black bag tucked away far back in a cabinet.

“Ta, da! I have it,” I said, amazed at my success in retrieving the family heirloom.

Now, it’s not that we don’t all own Bibles, it that this one is special, having come into the family in the early 1800s.  Its center pages have beautifully scripted names of the births, marriages and deaths during those early years.  It’s heavy and cumbersome to hold, measuring about  9”x12” and over three inches thick.  Obviously, you had to be hardy to be religious in those days. 

But, it is more than just a parlor ornament from a bygone era.  This Bible came down to us with a large hole worn through the front cover.  It was put there over the years as Robin’s great-great-grandfather, a circuit riding Methodist preacher, propped it against his saddle horn as he made his rounds in south Missouri.

The cover has since been replaced, but the pages are brittle, so we take it out only on special occasions.  Mel was always sworn into office on that Bible, so it holds some additional memories for our family.  When my house was in fames back in 2001, it was among the first items I gathered up and whisked to a safe location.  After that my son, Russ, placed his hand on the old book when he was sworn into Congress, and Robin used it for her first swearing in ceremony as Secretary of State.  

The historic book will re-emerge on Monday, when Robin takes the oath of office for her second term as Secretary of State.  For our family, it is a very tangible bond with the faith of our fathers, (and mothers), and that’s a good connection to have at such times.

Poor ol’ Igor Panarin, the Russian professor.  For the last decade, he has been predicting the U.S. economy will collapse and the country break apart by 2010.  As the time draws nigh, he is not changing his tune.  The professor says that the U.S. will split into five tidy geographical groups:

            . . . the Texas Republic, (most of the south and southwest);

            . . . the California Republic;

            . . . Atlantic America, (New England and the middle costal states);

            . . . Alaska, (at last the Palin’s dream of governing their own country could come true); and

            . . . the Central North American Republic, into which Missouri is lumped.  Had the good professor known anything about our state’s history and cultural patterns, he would have drawn a line somewhere south of the Missouri river. 

There are other flaws in Igor’s Breakaway Theory.  For instance, I could never figure out what he did with Hawaii.  He just left it floating around out in the ocean on its own.  I’m thinking that we in the Central North American Republic might want to annex the island, giving us the twin tourism sites of Branson and Honolulu.

Since I don’t believe Igor’s theory should be the only one on the table, I will venture my own prediction.  I’m calling it the Jean’s Reunion Theory.  I’m betting that before 2010 we will have an economy on the mend. We will have weathered the storm with a president committed to stitching us together as a nation, not tearing us a part.  We will be stronger, freer, and better for the effort.

In 2002, just before I stod to speak to a group of women in New York, I took a quick glance at my audience.  To my surprise, standing on the periphery of the room was Caroline Kennedy.  Later in the evening, we had a chance to visit.  We both recognized that we had lost loved ones in tragic plane crashes in recent years.  Though we had never met before, we spoke with the tenderness that is shared by those who have borne a common sorrow.  I expressed my gratitude for her being at the event that evening and she spoke encouragingly of what I was doing in the U.S. Senate.

Today I am happy to give her my support as she steps from the sidelines and onto the political stage. Yet, I feel for her, knowing how unsettling it will be to take on two statewide elections in as many years, while simultaneously trying to get her sea legs in the U.S. Senate.   But, I am confident she has both the fortitude and facility to meet the challenge. 

Both Democrats and Republicans fault the 51-year-old mother of two daughters, ages 20 and 19, and a sixteen-year-old son.  She does not have the needed experience, her critics say.  What does that means?  Experience compared to whom?   Mark Nickolas at Political Base wrote, “I find it insulting and annoying that these political and media blowhards even think for a moment that the job is so complicated and technically difficult that a Caroline Kennedy might be out-of-her-league if appointed.”

Every now and then, I hold my nose and tiptoe through a few right-wing blog sites.  Most have the eerie feeling of the Twilight Zone; some are absurd enough to warrant a laugh track.  I come away wondering if we live on the same planet.

One likened Sarah Palin to Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, while referring to Obama as “the Messiah.”  Another concocted a scenario where Joe Biden would resign and Obama would name Janet Nepolatino as Vice President, giving her status for running in 2012.  A few terminally delusional bloggers proposed Palin-Rice as the GOP dream ticket.

Most wing-nuts believe that moderates, not a diminishing conservative electorate, lost the election for the Republican Party and that we are really a country “right of center.”  Most surprising to me is that 87% of Republicans think that their party should stay the same or become more conservative.  Incredible!  For these guys, it is all about justifying the past and winning the next election.  How refreshing to see that Obama -- from the looks of his cabinet picks -- believes it is all about governing.

I ended my journey into lala land after having stumbled onto a far-right moralizer, the cherub-faced chiropractor, Dr. Melissa Clouthier’s.  In the spirit of the season, she prescribes a smile.  On her website, she beams alongside her motto: Beating Liberalism to Death with a Shovel and a Smile.

How sweet.  And, a Cheery, Merry Christmas to you, too, Melissa.