10 Torturous Questions for Rep. Brian Nieves

Submitted by General Content on May 17, 2009 - 10:00pm


"It only hurts for a little while..."

Pro-life legislator Brian Nieves took to the floor of the General Assembly this past week in defense of our God-given right to torture select human beings. His speech, which will forever be known as the Missouri Call to Torture, was magnificent! School children will recite it along with the Gettysburg Address in years to come. But we at FiredUp seek further clarification of his position, and thus, are asking that Mr. Nieves answer the following questions.

  1. In addition to Gitmo detainees, which of the following would you waterboard?
    1. adulterers
    2. drug dealers
    3. pedophiles
    4. the Unabomber
    5. flag burners
    6. Darwinists
    7. illegal immigrants
    8. all of the above, except (a)
  2. What other forms of torture do you advocate for detainees besides waterboarding?
    1. thumbscrew
    2. the iron maiden
    3. the rack
    4. fingernail extraction
    5. old Beach Boy melodies played on 33 r.p.m records
  3. Would you house detainees in the same dungeon with runaway slaves, homosexuals, heretics, and Democrats? If not, why not? (Write an essay of a 100 words, or less.)
     
  4. How often should a detainee be waterboarded?
    1. At least 82 times a month to be effective
    2. Only as prescribed in the Dick Cheney Handbook of Humane Torture
    3. Until the victim reveals Jimmy Hoffa’s whereabouts
  5. As a good citizen, would you take your turn administering torture if you could choose it as an alternative to jury duty?
    1. You betcha, jury duty sucks
    2. Only if I can be the Grand Inquisitor and wear leather
    3. Will do anything for beer
  6. Should a professional Torture Czar be named to make sure that the procedure is done in a professional manner and can be viewed on cable television as an alternative to Monday night football?
    1. Oh, baby, bring it on!
    2. I tingle with anticipation!
    3. Why not twice a week?
  7. Do you think that Kansas and Missouri federal facilities should house several detainees when Gitmo is closed?
    1. No, the detainees would be a threat to the values of our good Midwestern prisoners
    2. Missourian don’t want their license plates made by Muslims
    3. Only if Lynde England is the prison warden.
  8. Would you sponsor legislation to create an official dungeon in the basement of the Capitol for those needing to be waterboarded, provided the facility was named after you?
    1. I would be greatly honored
    2. Only if I get free tickets for special events at the dungeon
    3. If Dick Cheney would agree to be the dedication speaker
  9. In reaching my decision on torture, I have considered the following:
    1. WWJD?
    2. That dopey thesis written by a foreign woman named Geneva what’s-her-name
    3. My reliable Finger-in-the-Wind Judgment Indicator
  10. Are you available to undergo a waterboarding experience?
    1. Sorry, I’ll be at church that day
    2. I believe in "abstinence only" when it comes to personal waterboarding
    3. I suffer from chronic nasal stuffiness requiring medical attention
    4. I can’t swim
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