The Roy Blunt Survival Guide for the Common Man
Submitted by Blunt Ed on August 21, 2009 - 4:26pm
Ten ways to survive hard times, from a Washington Insider who's seen it all.
- Turn in Your Medicare Card and Regain Your Freedom.
It would have been best if Medicare had never been created. (Of course, I don’t have Medicare yet, but when I'm eligible I promise not to defile my body with such commie, socialism-tainted medical benefits.)
- Embrace Your Inner Crazy.
Get in touch with the "birthers," the “deathers” and the “gunners.” Spouting nonsense at public meetings relieves pent up stress and helps you forget your real troubles. It works for me.
- Sell your house.
I did and banked more than $1.5 million dollars. That made me feel good.
- Don’t be a wuss; quit griping about the down market.
I sold my house in just one day. And you can, too, with my new Faith-in-Roy-based Thinking Guide available for a $1,000 contribution to my Senate campaign.
- Live in the Now.
Endless worrying about what I've actually accomplished and not accomplished will only bring me down. And NOBODY wants to be reminded of what I've been doing for the last ten years.
- Embrace A Publicly-Subsidized Career.
I've been a politician since Richard Nixon was in the White House, faithfully collecting paychecks and benefits from the taxpayers. Remember: Government is only evil when it's election time and when you're not in charge.
- Think About the Good Days Ahead.
Even if I lose my Senate race, I have a beautiful mansion in Washington where I can remain among my people, and start making even more money. Plus, my wife and I can start getting our hometown tax credits again.
- Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.
Like facts. Or intellectual consistency. Or ethics. Or morals.
- Go To Every Party You Can.
Not many people back home read the Washington style pages, so I've decided to live it up!
- Recruit Some Sponsors.
I, for instance, have been treated fabulously by Big Oil, Big Insurance, Big Tobacco and other corporate interests too numerous to mention. Their generous donations and butt-kissing make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
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