Todd Akin and the Ghost of Christmas

An instant message conversation recorded late last night...

ghosty: Merry Christmas, Todd.

scrooge09: Uhh … who’s there?

ghosty: It’s me, the Ghost of Christmas Present.

scrooge09: What are you doing around here? It’s not even Thanksgiving.

ghosty: I have year-round business to take care of. I have been watching you lately.

scrooge09: Good! I’ve been doing lots of good religious stuff. Thanks for noticing.

ghosty: I heard your speech on the floor of the House this week.

scrooge09: Wasn’t that a doozy! I called out all those Commie wimps that think people have a right to food, shelter, health care, jobs, and opportunity. Made me feel really important and insightful.

ghosty: Yes, I could tell by the look on your face and the tone of your voice.

scrooge09: I don’t know where people get the idea that they have a right to anything but a miserable life. The strong survive and the weak get left behind. Always been that way.

ghosty: Yes, that’s an old idea that been around for a long time. I tried to introduce another thought a few thousand years ago. Did you miss the first century Christmas letter?

scrooge09: I’m sure I read it sometime or another. I read all the Christmas books—can recite ‘em backwards and forwards. As you’ve no doubt noticed, there nobody that that outdoes Todd Akin on the holiness front.

ghosty: Yes, I’ve noticed that, too. That’s why I have a question for you, Todd?

scrooge09: Sure, shoot. There’s not much I don’t know.

ghosty: The country’s going through some hard economic times now. So would you mind if I just cancelled your health care and credit cards … tore up you college diploma … exported your job and … emptied your freezer and bank account? It would just be for a little while, so as to test who you really are?

scrooge09: LOL!!! You’re kiddin’ me, right? That’s funny. Very funny.

ghosty: You would still have your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, that you talk about all the time. We’d just do away with all your “bonuses” that tend to blind you to the needs of others.

scrooge09: Listen here, I’ve had enough of this nonsense.

ghosty: Especially your perks the hard-working people pay for.

scrooge09: Are you trying to ruin my Thanksgiving and Christmas? What if I get sick during that time or don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage or send the kids to school? Hold on a sec, there some commotion out on my lawn ….

(Todd looks out the window and returns to the computer)

scrooge09: Hey, there’s a bunch of sick people on my lawn with a sign. Some of ‘em look like they’re homeless or out of work. Did you put them up to this?

ghosty: What does the sign say, Todd?

scrooge09: Oh, it was something like … “Is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by?” Bunch of damn liberals twisting Scripture to their own benefit. I want you to get ‘em off my lawn right now!

(Frustrated, Todd opens the door and shouts: “All of you … get out of here … get off my lawn! And, take your boo-hooing with you and leave me to enjoy my life.” Returns to computer.)

Scrooge09: You did this to me. Now make ‘em go away. And, fix the holes they made in my lawn.

ghosty: Very well, Todd. You will not see them again, neither with your eyes nor your heart. You will remain as you are forever. I promise that the spirit of Christmas will not trouble you again. Farewell.