An Open Letter To The Tea Party

An open letter to the members of the Tea Party from the members of the federal, state, and municipal governments

Dear Members of the Tea Party:

        You are right.

        We have been oppressive, annoying and needy. We have been intruding in your lives for too long. We have been imposing taxes on your hard-earned incomes. We have been spending your money for our mixed and (you might say) mixed-up purposes. Collectively, we have been preparing to wage war, waging war, monitoring our borders, regulating international and interstate commerce, paying for public schools, building roads and bridges, supporting police officers and fire fighters, catching stray dogs, and making sure that old people and poor people can, every so often, go to the doctor, take some medicine, or have a bone set. We also have been paying retirees to sit around and do nothing. (There are other exasperating things we do, we know, but we also know that you like your messages plain and brief, so we will leave it at this.)

        For all that we have done, whether we have done it well or badly, we are sorry. And while we cannot atone to everyone, we have decided to atone, at least, to you. Here is our proposal.

        We will give you the state of Texas (many of you have already asked for it). We will build a strong, impermeable wall around its borders, leaving the port of Galveston open for your free use. We promise to keep all members of what was your former government, along with all of your former services and interventions, out. Completely out. Finally, at long last, having relinquished your identities as Americans, you will be free to live as you choose. You will no longer be considered citizens of the United States of America, which, as you suggest, has become a nation alien to your beliefs. We will withdraw every vestige of the government and government-supported services you have come to loathe. No public schools. No police. No fire department. No standing army. No Internal Revenue Service office buildings (we appreciate your recent suicide attack for reminding us to destroy these offensive structures, by the way). No Medicare. No Medicaid. No social security. No welfare. No food stamps. No currency. No prisons. No courts of law. We have come to believe that you are completely correct: everyone has the right not to have to suffer such impositions of overreaching governmental power.

        To facilitate your move to Texas (and please do feel free to rename your land; the very word Texas is rooted in the language of the Aztecs, a fact we are sure you cannot abide), we will pay you fair market value for your homes and businesses, using the proceeds from a federal bond issued for this purpose. To compensate any of the current residents of Texas who might prefer to remain in a democratic republic, even a flawed one, we will buy all of their homes and businesses, too. Then we will sell your former homes in the United States to the émigré Texans (wherever they wish to settle), and the homes of the former Texans to you. After these final transactions, you will be free of us forever! Make hay! We assure you that we will never trouble you, your possessions, your family life, your religious life, your automotive life, and your gun-related life, ever, ever, ever again.

        Again, we are very sorry to have caused you so much rage, and we wish you all the best of luck in your new, government-free nation.

Yours very truly,

The members of all federal, state, and municipal government offices, agencies, and bodies representing the United States of America