What Else Did God Tell Pat Robertson?

      Pat Robertson, the 81-year demented minister, who ran for president in 1988, (coming in second in the Iowa caucus), now says the Lord hath told him who will be our next president.  The Reverend, who fancies himself a modern-day Jeremiah, enjoys revealing ecclesiastical tidbits skewed to fit his own political ideology.

      Robertson’s not letting us in on the secret as to who the Chosen One is, except to say it ain’t Obama.  Surprise, surprise!  He says we are doomed to economic collapse unless we pick the correct candidate, though that might be hard to do unless he reveals just who that is. 

      Unreliable sources tell me there are more disclosures yet to come.  The following have leaked out already….

      Reportedly, God also told Robertson it’s okay to stone gays, Muslims, and immigrants.  Robertson has been looking for the green light on this one for years.  Since it’s now inappropriate to persecute blacks, Jews, atheists, witches, women, and the mentally ill, we’re left with gays, Muslims, and immigrants.  As Robertson noted: “Why else would God have created stones if he hadn’t intended us to use them?”  There’s a lots of stones lying around, which means we haven’t been doing our job

      The Almighty, also, told the Rev that he was kidding about that Good Samaritan stuff and that the biblical adage about the 99% entering the Pearly Gates before the 1% was just a joke. 

      According to Pat, God gave all the brains, talent, money, health, and good looks to the 1% and used cosmic debris to fashion the remaining 99%, which is why it’s all right to ignore them.

      God said He had always been a “Repairer” and wanted us to be Repairers, too.  The Reverend was at first unclear about the message, which he later translated as being: God is a Republican and wants us to be Republicans, too.

      As to the Earth, the Creator said it took Him longer to create than people first thought.  It was His favorite project, millions of years in the making and not—as previously reported—something He dashed off during His vacation week.  When the Almighty suggested that Pat check the archeological evidence for confirmation, Pat mumbled an oath and hung up his celestial cellphone.

      So there’s the word from on high, folks, as filtered through Pat the Prophet.  I suggest the Rev get some rest and check his meds for any potential side effects that might be lessening his lucidity.