Blunt-Patek Inc. Now Accepting Intern Applications

With the legislative session drawn to a close and university campuses abandoned for the summer, the time has come for Jefferson City's political institutions again to stock their halls for a couple short months with the cream of Missouri's higher ed crop.

And based on the historical record as memorialized by personal pages at MySpace.com, one of the hottest River City internships for up-and-coming young GOPers would have to be the summer experience as constructed cooperatively by Matt Blunt's office of Governor and the lobbying firm Patek & Associates. While Blunt and Patek don't seem too keen on publicizing their summer-share intern program, an alumnus of the program from 2005 --Ms. Melissa Jackson of Chillicothe-- is happy to tout their program on the web for them.

On her MySpace page, Ms. Jackson tells us about her "companies":

~MELISS~'s Companies

State Capital - Matt Blunt's Office Jefferson City, Missouri US Internship	Summer of 2005
Jewell Patek & Associates Jefferson City, Missouri US Secretary	Summer of 2005

Fitting that today's young Republicans are able to work simultaneously for both the Governor and the lobby shop to which he steers clients. Just another in a long line of reasons why we ought do away with the formalities and officially merge the offices of the Governor and of Patek & Associates, as that's the de facto situation anyway.

But back to the internship...

Prospective Blunt-Patek interns can also get a good feel for what the summer experience will be like via Ms. Jackson's MySpace blog, on which she helpfully chronicled some of her summer '05 experiences, such as the one Monday she had a really bad morning at the Gov's office, but had a kickass time when she got a reprieve from the usual photocopying chores at Jewell's office...

No one wants to go to work on Monday cause that means the weekend is
officially over. Well that's how my day went in the morning today. I
went to work, then came home for lunch. Same sh*t I pretty much always
do, but instead of going to my other job in the afternoon, I got to go
get sh**faced and play golf! Now I suck at golf cause I haven't played
in a few years or somethin like that so I drove the golf cart most of
the time, but that just gave me more time to drink some more beer. No
I'm not a f**king alocholic either! So I've been drinking since noon
and I'm probably gonna pass out here in a couple minutes haha! Today
has been the best Monday I've ever experienced I think and I just hope
the rest of the week goes as good as today did cause that would be
AWESOME! [Ed.note -- language sanitized]

I think we can all agree that Ms. Jackson's assessment of the comparative merits of these jobs is probably spot-on, as downing oat sodas on the links has to be much more fun than the regular duties of a Blunt office intern, which consist mostly of shredding documents and having your photo taken with Terry Durdaller. Of course, I don't know whether I would allow my 19 year-old employee to get, like, totally polluted while on the clock. But then again I'm not one of Jeff City's top lobbyists, so what do I know? I don't even have a fee office.

Intern applicants can also get a feel for some of the wealth of real world knowledge they'll accumulate by checking out a post from Ms. Jackson written a month or so after her experience concluded:

This is just a lil list I came up with. If you can relate to these, you'll know you're an alcoholic just like me!!

You know you're an alcoholic when...

1. You fracture your foot and don't remember how it happened.

2. You fall down a metal staircase at your uncle's mansion and laugh
when you end up on the cement because you have no clue how you got
there THEN find out that's how you fractured your foot.

3. Happy Hour is every hour for you.

4. You have no clue what you've done in the past week. The only
thing you remember doing is taking a drink and it's all downhill from
there.

5. Jack Daniels is a baby bottle to you.

6. Vodka tastes like water.

7. No one can out drink you.

8. You have to chug 20 beers to get a good buzz going.

9. Random people come up to you and ask if you had fun at the club
last nite when the whole time they're talking to you, you have no clue
who they are.

10. If you're reading this and laughing because you can relate to
every single one of these things listed then... YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!

Hey, the first step is admitting it... only 9 more steps to go! F**k it and get your drink on b**ches!!!!

As Blunt-Patek Inc. is known far and wide as devoutly observant of Christian principles, potential interns ought to be conversant in the Ten Commandments as well as the ten ways to tell if you're an alcoholic. Graduates of the Blunt-Patek program are nothing if not well-rounded.

So, college age Missouri Republicans, if you'd like to get a taste of what it's like to toil for a statewide official who is disapproved of by about 60% of your fellow Missourians --and learn the tricks of mixing a top-notch Harvey Wallbanger-- the Blunt-Patek Inc. 2006 Summer Intern program is just the place for you.

You can download an internship application form here, and can complete and return it to any Garrett Lott-run fee office or directly to the Governor's mansion. Good luck, and God bless.

AWESOME, haha!