Pirates in the Primary
by Jean Carnahan

The swashbuckling Capt. Huckabee navigated his corsair into the murky waters of the Iowa primary, commandeered the GOP Party boat, and vanquished political foes hither and yon before setting sail for New Hampshire.

Whether in politics, business, or religion, hijacking is risky but, if successful, can be quite rewarding for the looters.  That’s why many right-wing evangelicals are ecstatic at the prospect of Huckabee seizing the Republican primary nomination and with it control of a major political party.   

One thing this current crop of right-wing evangelicals understands is takeovers.  Years ago the Huckabee branch of the Southern Baptist Convention overthrew the moderates and began to chart a far more conservative course.  People who thought like Jimmy Carter and Bill Moyers were forced to walk the plank after the Jerry-Falwell-thinkers took the helm.  As a result, Baptists lost many of their colleges, seminaries, and institutions to these religious pirates and have yet to recover from those dark years.   

Republican stalwarts are infuriated by the current plundering of their party.  Novak, Krauthammer, Kristol, Noonan, and Limbaugh are bemoaning the siege.  The GOP has spent years using the religious right as oarsmen below deck, not realizing that someday the motley crew would break forth and take command. 

            We could enjoy this farcical moment, if it were just some nautical drama from the Pirates of the Caribbean.   But, in a world as tempestuous as ours, it’s frightening to think of a theocratic, anti-science, homophobic, misogynistic Captain Quegg commanding the ship of state. 

Evangelicals now account for 40% of the GOP. With the remainder of the party in disarray, they are eager to run up a new flag with the nomination of the Rev. Huckabee.  Ol’ “Popeye” McCain hopes to find his sea legs in the more secular waters of New Hampshire, rip open a can of spinach with his bare teeth, and deliver a knockout blow to the upstart Arkansas preacher.

Whatever the outcome, Republicans have to be seasick as they lurch rudderless toward the 2008 election.