Fun in the Sun with Rudy and Judi

Fun in the Sun with Rudy and Judi
by Jean Carnahan

            While the other candidates trudge through the snow banks of Iowa, work the rope lines in Nevada, and saddle up to the holy rollers in South Carolina, Rudy is sipping Mimosas in Palm Beach, tanned, rested, and awaiting his foes. 

            He refers to this strategy as "lulling his opponents into a false sense of security." 

Not since William McKinley decided to campaign from his front porch in Canton, Ohio, have we seen such a bizarre political tactic.

While the other presidential wannabees are racing hither and yon, tiptoeing thru the political minefields, Rudy has chosen the "path less traveled by." 

But, can it work? 

GOP voters are still sorting through their sad collection of candidates in their current Whac-A-Mole contest. 

One campaign insider called the early primaries just a "beauty contest." But, Rudy didn't even get "Mr. Congeniality" in New Hampshire, where he spent forty days and ran fourth. 

The old saying that 90% of success is just "showing up," may not hold true for the Mayor.  His handlers apparently think that hibernation followed by his reintroduction as a fresh new face is the formula for overpowering "Pastor" Huck and "Pappy" McCain.

Since the Giulianis are stuck in Florida for the winter, here are a few tips for Rudy and Judi to help them feel more native.

Go shopping.  On the days when the sun doesn't shine, the shopping malls are good entertainment—not quite as trendy as Fifth Avenue, but less pricey.  Shopping will make you appear even more patriotic.  As you recall, George Bush suggested shopping as the nation's way to respond to terrorist attacks. 

When it comes to attire you want to blend in.  Forget the cross-dressing and go with a spiffy, open-collared, floral shirt set off with a pair of Birkenstock sandals and white socks. 

For Judi, I would suggest a pair of Chanel sunglasses, a breezy, three-piece, wrinkle-free ensemble, embellished by a matching beach hat and bag.  Wearing fur is tacky unless the temperature drops to 60 degrees or less.  Diamonds should not be worn while snorkeling.

And, Rudy, a manly tan is de rigueur if you expect to attract more of the over-60 women voters than "Fredhead."  Be sure to use an industrial-strength sunscreen to avoid the boiled lobster look that visitors unwittingly acquire.

 Deep sea fishing is a must.  Rent you own boat and get the feeling of command that one must have as president.  If you are willing to do a little stooping—and, what GOP candidate isn’t?—shell collecting can be a pleasant pastime.  Then, join a craft class and create a lovely lamp base as a memento of your winter in Florida. 

Should you feel remorse for bypassing the early primaries, grab your Motorola and a Mojito and make a few fund raising calls from a beach cabana.  Don’t forget, you only have $7 million left in the bank and staff may need to pay their gas bills.

What ever you do, remember that you are setting a new standard in political campaign moxie.   You could work your butt off and still not win.  At least, at the end of the primary season, you won't go home exhausted like the rest of the losers.