Fun in the Sun with Rudy and Judi
by Jean Carnahan
While the other candidates trudge
through the snow banks of Iowa, work the rope lines in Nevada, and saddle up to
the holy rollers in South Carolina, Rudy is sipping Mimosas in Palm Beach,
tanned, rested, and awaiting his foes.
He
refers to this strategy as "lulling his opponents into a false sense of
security."
Not since
William McKinley decided to campaign from his front porch in Canton, Ohio, have
we seen such a bizarre political tactic.
While the
other presidential wannabees are racing hither and yon, tiptoeing thru the
political minefields, Rudy has chosen the "path less traveled
by."
But, can
it work?
GOP voters
are still sorting through their sad collection of candidates in their current Whac-A-Mole
contest.
One
campaign insider called the early primaries just a "beauty contest." But,
Rudy didn't even get "Mr. Congeniality" in
The old
saying that 90% of success is just "showing up," may not hold true
for the Mayor. His handlers apparently
think that hibernation followed by his reintroduction as a fresh new face is
the formula for overpowering "Pastor" Huck and "Pappy"
McCain.
Since the
Giulianis are stuck in Florida for the winter, here are a few tips for Rudy and
Judi to help them feel more native.
Go
shopping. On the days when the sun
doesn't shine, the shopping malls are good entertainment—not quite as trendy as
Fifth Avenue, but less pricey. Shopping
will make you appear even more patriotic.
As you recall, George Bush suggested shopping as the nation's way to
respond to terrorist attacks.
When it
comes to attire you want to blend in. Forget
the cross-dressing and go with a spiffy, open-collared, floral shirt set
off with a pair of Birkenstock sandals and white socks.
For Judi,
I would suggest a pair of Chanel sunglasses, a breezy, three-piece,
wrinkle-free ensemble, embellished by a matching beach hat and bag. Wearing fur is tacky unless the temperature drops
to 60 degrees or less. Diamonds should
not be worn while snorkeling.
And, Rudy,
a manly tan is de rigueur if you
expect to attract more of the over-60 women voters than "Fredhead." Be sure to use an industrial-strength
sunscreen to avoid the boiled lobster look that visitors unwittingly acquire.
Deep sea fishing is a must. Rent you own boat and get the feeling of
command that one must have as president.
If you are willing to do a little stooping—and, what GOP candidate isn’t?—shell
collecting can be a pleasant pastime.
Then, join a craft class and create a lovely lamp base as a memento of your
winter in Florida.
Should you
feel remorse for bypassing the early primaries, grab your Motorola and a Mojito
and make a few fund raising calls from a beach cabana. Don’t forget, you only have $7 million left in
the bank and staff may need to pay their gas bills.
What ever
you do, remember that you are setting a new standard in political campaign
moxie. You could work your butt off and
still not win. At least, at the end of
the primary season, you won't go home exhausted like the rest of the losers.