Barks 'n Bites from the Yellow Dog

Dear YD,

We haven't heard a bark out of you recently.  Do the R's in southwest Missouri have you muzzled?

(Signed) N. Zone

Dear Zoney,

No one muzzles the Yellow Dog in her quest for truth, justice, and the canine way of life.

I have been on holiday, as my Euro relatives would say. It being spring break, I've been cavorting on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale, chasing Frisbees and getting the feel of sand and surf in my hair.

Now, I am off again, this time, as a super-delegate to the "Obama Mommas" convention in Philadelphia.  I do hope my friend Hillary understands that while I admire her doggedness, Obama is a true pet pal.

Happy Tails, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

What's your view of Peter Kinder's future, oh, yellow one?

Ludlow

Dear Lud,

Pedalin' Peter may be chopped liver in Kennyland, but he's one cool biker-dude.  He collected, labeled, and tested all those urine samples for the "Tour de Missour-rah" without confusing the specimens or spilling nary a drop.  I think Peter has a future as a lab technician.

Keep pedalin',
Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

Rudy Giuliani is hanging out on a Florida beach, waiting to take on the survivor of the early primaries.  Is that going to work for him?

Carmen Harrison

Dear Harry,

The Mayor's strategy is daring. Still, it was effective for William McKinley, who made speeches from his front porch in Canton, Ohio, while his wife served lemonade to the crowds.

I like to lay around on the front porch myself.  I'll even do a few tricks in exchange for some liver-flavored biscotti.  I nap in the afternoon, however, so plan your visits accordingly.

Your affectionate canine, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yel,

Have you been to a Mike Huckabee event yet?

Bassan B. Proffer

Dear Prof,

I did attend one event.  The Huckabee Prayer and Pistol Club had a car wash in the Wal-Mart park lot to help the Arkansas rev.  It was an inspiration to see his followers praying and scrubbing and waving their guns.

I do enjoy a good butt-kicking election campaign.

Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow,

I would like to send you a Christmas gift.  What do you suggest?

(Signed) Kris Kringle

Dear Kris,

How sweet you are and so appropriately named for the season.  Let's start by saying what I don't want.  Please no pet antlers, jingle collars, paw socks, or sequins.

I do love a well-saturated fruitcake baked in the shape of a tennis ball.  Anything in rhinestones--my favorite fashion accessory--cashmere, or leather, (preferably rawhide),would be most welcomed.

(Signed) Joyeaux Noel, Yellow Dog

P.S. Or, a Bill O'Reilly's pooper-scooper would be nice.

 

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Dearest Ms. Dog,

You have declared in the past that dogs have a sixth sense that allows them to see through people and know if they are telling the truth. Is "Larry the Toe Tapper" lying? 

(Signed) Concerned

Dear Connie,

Yes, we canines are the only species on the planet thus endowed--though Bush tried to make you think that he, too, could look into the soul of Putin and discern his true nature.

Larry is not a liar in the typical sense.  Politicians often take on two (or more)personas, but like actors, they recognize what they are doing. With Larry, it's different. He is Larry the Legislator at home and in the Senate, but he can transition to Larry the Lecher. Just as the full moon brings Dracula to "life," the whiff of a public bathroom excites Larry to lewdness.

He should not be allowed in any public restroom larger than an airplane cubicle.  I suggest that he start & carrying an empty mayonnaise jar for emergencies.

(Signed) Your affectionate soul-mate, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Ms.Dog,

I read that Ellen Degeneress adopted a dog from an animal shelter, but it didn't get along with her cats, so she gave it away to her hairdresser's kids. When the shelter rightfully reclaimed the dog and re-homed it, Ellen went to pieces on the air. How would you resolve this, oh, great and wise one?

                 (Signed) Orson Von Fredrick

Dear Fred,

I've seen pictures of that dog and it is one ugly mutt. But,that aside, I think a little Solomonic justice is in order here. The custody of the dog should be awarded equally to all the parties involved, with visiting rights assigned and upkeep divided among the lot.

Yes, even Ellen should be required to do her share, even if it means outsourcing the cats during her stint. In the end, the mutt in question will benefit from the abundance of love and attention.

(Signed) Your affection pooch, Yellow Dog

 

 

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Dear Yellow,

Speaking of the Larry Craig incident, why don't you ever hear of such behavior in women's restrooms?

(Signed) Carlton Gibson

Dear Gib,

You are right and there is a reason for that.  Most often, women using a public restroom are encumbered with an oversize purse, shopping bags, and a youngster or two.

Being thus occupied, they give no thought to such hanky-panky, unlike the Senator, who apparently had too much time on his hands and lots of rhythm in his feet.

As Momma always said, "Busy paws are happy paws."

(Signed) Yours in pursuit of virtue, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

What do you think of Leona Helmsley dying and leaving $15 million to her white Maltese, named Trouble?

(Signed): Caleb George

Dear Cal,

That's enough dough to buy a lot of juicy bones, cushy dog beds, and exotic chew toys. Still, money can't buy happiness, they say.

Do you have a cell phone number for Ms. Trouble?  I would like to get in touch with the canine heiress should she be in need of investment advice from one who has been around the hydrant a few times.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yell,

You seems like a worldly pooch.  Were you aware of the bathroom code that Sen. Larry Craig was using in his potty pursuits?

(Signed)Just Wondering

Dear Mr/Ms Wondering,

I once knew a Pomeranian who tapped his foot three times when he wanted something. Everyone thought him quite cute.  He must have been sending "nasty, naughty boy" signals all along and we didn't know it until Sen. Craig let us in on the secret.

Now that the Da Kinky Code has been broken, we can be more alert to deviant behavior.  But, to be on the safe side, I will continue to use the outdoor facilities, as is my custom.

(Signed) Your furry friend, Yellow Dog

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Dear Ms. Dog,

Now that Karl Rove has left the White House, what do you expect him to do next?

(Signed) Paul Pettus

Dear Pet,

He may have left the White House, but he is still in the Dog House politically.  He is one of those butt-kicking,  tail-stomping, bone-stealing guys that we in the animal kingdom learn to circle way around.

In the land of Oz, he is the Tin Man--no heart, no conscience, no values.  Karl's a sadly deformed individual with no desire to change.  Fortunately, for all of us his breed is a rarity.

(Signed) Your noble canine friend, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

Got any advice for "W" now that he's dropping like a rock in the polls?

(Signed) Todd Pierogi

Dear Roggy,

Every friendless, godforsaken man needs a dog--a loyal, tail wagging, hand-licking pooch that makes him feel good all over.  One who will speak, fetch, roll over, or play dead on command.

Barney tried to be the consummate lapdog, but he's been upstaged by Gonzo, who does a great imitation of a Chihuahua, has gorgeous brown eyes, chubby cheeks, and drools adoringly. George and Gonzo are the perfect match.

(Signed) Your warrior of the written word, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yellow,

John McCain looks like he's going belly up in the polls.  His crew is jumping ship faster than you can say "Captain Queeg."  What's going wrong?

(Signed) Ned Spikovic

Dear Spike,

My confidential source in Washington is Bascom, a water spaniel, who hangs out at the Tidal Basin. He tells me that the "old salt" has been spending money like a drunken sailor.

Still I give McCain a few points for being a really hip guy, willing to spend over $18K at the Vegas Tabu Ultra Lounge, "a nightspot that's too hot to touch!"

Why settle for "Bassett Hound" Thompson, "Mitt the Mutt," or "Rudy Tin Tin" when the GOP can have a real dog like McCain to growl and fetch for the Bushies.

(Signed)Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yellow,

I read that China is in trouble for selling adulterated food, toys and toothpaste products. Have any comments?

(Signed) Loyster P.Firestone

Dear Loy,

An old friend of mine, a Foo dog in Beijing, tried one of the steamed dumplings that the Chinese now make from pulverized cardboard. He says they are almost as tasty as dog food.

He noted that China's Pure Food and Drug administrator was recently executed for adulteration.  Let's hope we never have to resort to such measures for those adulterating in Washington. If we remove adulterators from the Republican Party how would they fill out their ticket next year?

(Signed) Your affectionate pooch, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yellow,

I noticed that the Queen of England during her visit to the U.S. did not come to Branson.  Are you disappointed?

(Signed) Bob Cambrio

Dear Brio,

How sad that the Queen only visits the edges of our country when the real America is in the heartland.  Back in Windsor Castle, she can walk around in her tiara and sash and eat cute little lamb chops anytime she wants.

But, vacations are for a change of pace and that's what we offer here in Branson, the cultural hub of the Midwest.  We can entertain her with yodeling, whittling, and fiddling, all-you-can-eat buffets, and the splendid company of our many showmen, real estate developers, and defrocked evangelists.

Who knows, her Royal Highness might love it in our placid, Ozark village and want to build a summer palace here away from the hubbub of London.

Cherrio, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

What do you think of Attorney General Gonzalez and his forgetful nature while testifying before Congress?

(Signed) Savoir Faire

 

Dear Savvy,

The poor soul obviously has a memory deficit disorder.  I lost track of the number of times he said, "I don't recall."

I once knew a cocker spaniel with the same condition.  He kept burying bones and forgetting where he hid them.

I do hope he seeks help.  My cocker friend did and now he only misplaces every third bone.

(Signed) Ta, ta, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

Do you get much spam?

(Signed) Kevin Cooley

Dear Kool Kevin,

Sadly, I never get as much Spam as I would like. It is a delicacy appreciated by so few today. I find it especially tasty when barbecued and served over risotto.

Opps! Roy tells me you're talking about unwanted emails. Yes, I am annoyed by emailers, not of my acquaintance, who want to enlarge my body parts or enhance my pleasure.

Here in Branson we have nothing but enlarged body parts and, of course, there is always Andy Williams to enhance our pleasure.

(Signed) Your affectionate canine scriber, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow,

I have not seen your profile on MySpace or FaceBook. You owe it to your adoring public to tell us more about yourself.

Signed) Sally T. Yearby

Dear Salty,

Alas, the shroud of mystery that has surrounded womankind for centuries is being cast aside by giddy girls eager to bare all.

As with Cleopatra, Greta Garbo and Lassie, my charm comes from an impenetrable mystique that makes me all the more wondrous to my many admirers.

As my dear mother used to say, "Keep the hounds guessing, honey."

(Signed) Ta, ta, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

I couldn't believe that Brittney Spears shaved her head! What's going on here? Any thoughts?

(Signed) Miller Gates

 

Dear Milly,

I shave to stay cool in the summer. Maybe Brittney wants to be cool, too. Then again, maybe she just wigged out. You know the old saying, "Hair today, gone tomorrow."

(Signed)Your affectionate canine friend, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

I read that Laura Bush described Barney as being so "obese" that she couldn't pick him up any longer. I know you're good buds with the presidential pet, what gives?

(Signed) Arlen Moskovitz

Dear Mosko,

Barney was crushed by Laura's crude and insensitive remarks...and after all the wonderful photo-ops he's given the First Family. He blames his condition on being fed all the sugar-coated crap that the White House dishes out these days.

Rather than take further abuse, I told Barney that he should turn in his resignation as First Pooch and come to Branson where his girth will not be looked upon with mirth.

We already have Irving, the talking dog, but he is lacking in political acumen. With Barney's background, I could get him a paying gig at the Circle B Chuck Wagon and Cowboy Music Show if he doesn't mind wearing a cute little neckerchief and packing a cap pistol.

As to housing, I can place him with any number of defrocked televangelists needing a wholesome, loving pet.

Your affectionate canine friend, Yellow Dog

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Dear Scribe Warrior,

When we have a "mayoral" election, we elect a mayor. When we have a "senatorial" election, we elect a senator. When we have a "presidential" election, we elect a president.

So, when we have a "gubernatorial" election, why don't we elect a goober?

(Signed) Confused in Callaway County

 

Dear CCC,

Sometimes we do.

(Signed) Your furry friend for freedom, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

So, President Bush is raising a half billion dollars to build a Taj Mahal presidential library in Dallas. Can you believe that?

(Signed) Timothy Beaumont

 

Dear Timbo,

As Vizzini in Princess Bride would say, "Inconceivable!"

At least, they won't need a lot of shelf space for the presidential book collection.

I am told that the basement will feature a state-of-the-art dungeon, with demonstrations of such non-torture techniques as water boarding, sleep deprivation, body wiring and stacking. Photographs will be allowed.

The sad part about the Bush library is that it will force us to remember what we'd like to forget.

(Signed) Your intrepid canine servant, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

It appears that the Bush Administration has done away with the word "torture"--just shooed it out of existence. Is that possible?

(Signed) Lamont Kennedy

Dear Monty,

Anything is possible with this gang. In Bushspeak, war prisoners are now "enemy combatants," held in "detention facilities" rather than gulags, and subject to "interrogation techniques," instead of torture.

But let's look on the bright side. If they can speak torture out of existence, perhaps they can do the same for hunger, disease, injustice, or "unthinlyness," i.e., the state of being non-thin. (I just made that one up. Do you like it?)

Yes, language rules and he who rules determines the language.

Your cuddly canine friend, Yellow Dog

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Dear Yellow,

I heard about a California woman who preserved her dead cat's DNA and had him cloned 17 years later. She paid $50,000 to have this done. Did she get her money's worth?

(Signed) R. T. Reingold
 

Dear Rhino,

I am curious. Did the copycat version show any ugly side effects? Remember what happened to poor Mr. Bigglesworth, the Angora that escaped with Dr. Evil in the cryogenic capsule, freezing off all its hair.

I don't mind being preserved, but I want assurances as to when I will be reconstituted. Imagine the horror of awakening during another Bush administration and finding yourself hairless, half-frozen, and without health care. Now, that's a nightmare.

(Signed) Your friend and scribe-warrior, Yellow Dog

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My Dear Yellow-haired Friend,

Any ideas for getting out of Iraq?

(Signed) Arlen Murphy

Dear Murf,

I was discussing our Iraqi departure with ma petite chou, Pierre, a charming French poodle of my acquaintance. He is a great fan of Napoleon "Bone"-apart, as you might expect. Nappy practiced the art of "divide and conquer" so exquisitely. Using a similar tactic, we should divide Iraq into threezies: one part for the Kurds, one for the Sunnis, and one for the Shiites. (If the politicians can't figure this out, let the neighborhood moms do it. Having dealt with children in the sandbox, they understand the concept.)

Next, place the oil money in a trust and divvy it up proportionately among the three groups, after deducting a Liberation Tax to repay us for the billions spent on the war. Then, we announce that we have "conquered" the place and march out, thus, "divide and conquer." See how easy that was.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell:

What are you having for Thanksgiving?

(Signed) Kitchen Warrior
 

Dear Kitch,

I am having the trendy turduckin with Creole dressing. It is a duck inside a chicken, inside a turkey. It's a three-fer that's all deboned, ready to cook, slice and serve.

Of course, I have no messy leftovers since I eat the entire thing at once. But, if you want to share with a family you can order one on line.

(Signed) Too-do-loo, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Doggie,

What do you think about the election outcome?

(Signed) Zip-a-dee-do-da
 

Dear Zip, (Heckavu handle. Are you canine,feline,or bovine?)

I was so nervous on election night that I scarfed an entire bag of rawhide bones, chewed up two pairs of Ferragamo shoes, and gnawed the ankles of several mouthy Republicans.

But, hot doggie, we made it to the winners' circle at last!!! I've been howling and leaping and pirouetting on my hind legs every time I think of the thumpin' we gave those Republicans last Tuesday. It was like taking the seat out of the pants of the neighborhood bully. It was such a gratifying and necessary thing to do.

(Signed) Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Y.D.

Are you pleased with all the women in high places today?

(Signed) Amanda Addington

Dear Addy,

What can I say...Pelosi, McCaskil, and moi, the Three Dazzling Damsels of the Democratic Party. I do hope we can get a photo of our trio downing a pitcher of Mojitos some evening soon.

Just call us "The Speaker, The Senator, and The Saavy Yellow Dog." What a political combo! Sounds like a movie title to me.

(Signed) Your humble hound, Yellow Dog

P.S. Here's my advice, gals. Dress for duty. You will need football helmets, kick-boots, and blue velvet boxing gloves.

 

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Dear Ms. Dog,

In the Virginia Senate race it comes down to voting for the porn writer (Webb-D) or the racist (Allen-R). Which do you suggest?

(Signed) Tonya Albert

Dear Tone,

Neither of these guys is exactly a Washington or a Jefferson, but one of 'em is going to the U.S. Senate for the next six years.

Here's my reasoning: at least Webb is a poor porn writer, whereas, Allen is quite good at racism. Then, too, Allen is a potential GOP presidential candidate, so it might be good to nip that in the bud.

I'm just glad I live in Missouri where we have a clear choice. Go Claire!!

(Signed) Your adorable friend, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms.Dog,

What do you think of the current trend of dressing dogs in clothes? Do you clothe?

(Signed) J. Pierce
 

Dear J.P.

We canines were doing just fine au natural until some fashion mavens intervened. Those who once played with paper dolls have taken up "doggy dolling." Everywhere you look, there are Scotties and Westies in tartan plaid ponchos and Pugs in tutus or turtlenecks.

It's all too disgusting. Such embellishments hide our curvaceous lines and inhibit our natural inclinations. Wouldn't you agree?

My favorite adornment is neck wear, especially my Versace, rhinestone-studded collar that I wear for special evening events with "Killer," a Doberman pinscher, of my acquaintance.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Y.D.

I read that President Bush signed the Secure Fence Act that calls for constructing a 700-mile fence along the US-Mexican border. But they didn't include any funding for the $6 billion project. The Homeland Security budget has only $1.2 billion allocated for fencing and barriers nationwide. At that rate, the wall may be 700 miles long, but it will only be two feet tall. What do you think?

(Signed) Minerva Smith

Dear Minnie,

This fence building is ridiculous, costly, and ineffective. We need to draft the Border collies, who are currently living in the lap of luxury in their cushy condos all over the country. What the hell good is a Border collie with no borders to guard? Give them cute uniforms like the Canadian Royal Mounties wear. Space those puppies along the border and watch those illegal wannabes hightail it south to Cancun, instead of El Paso.

I will, however, miss being able to get a decent taco Perhaps it's for the best. Frankly, I have always considered hot sauce a weapon of mass destruction.

(Signed) Your affectionate hound, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

Did you read that Gov. Blunt thinks we should arm school teachers? That's his answer to school violence. What say you?

(Signed) S.Norton Meyer

Dear Snort,

I agree with "Kiddy-cakes,"(that's a term of endearment that me and the Governor use in our instant messaging. I do hope there is nothing indecorous about that, what with me being a dog and him an Episcobaptist?)

Frankly, I like the Governor's thinking on this one. By golly, let's arm our educators! Knowing that your teacher is packing heat would improve classroom discipline better than a ruler slapped across the knuckles ever could.

But let's make the weapons subject appropriate. Issue steak knives to Home Economics teachers and pitchforks to Ag teachers. Art teachers get a paint ball gun, while P.E. coaches get nun chucks. The Music director could use a baton that doubles as a switchblade. Principals need Gatling guns, though nuns and priests could get by with Roman candles, of course. You get the idea.

While we're at it, we should provide armaments for the animal world, too. Let us "Protect Our Right to Arm Bears."

(Signed) Ta-ta, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow,

What are you doing to help Democrats get elected?

(Signed) Minny O'Brien

Dear Min,

The Ozark Chapter of the Blue-Coated Underdogs for Freedom, (BUNDIES), met and endorsed the Democrats in the November election. We are also sending the proceeds of our annual Bone an Biscuit Sale to U.S. Senate candidate, Clair McCaskill.

I might mention that we now have uniforms--blue neck scarves and matching berets. Very chic! For a small fee, our Hind Leg Walkers are available for parades, picnics, and election night parties.

We are pawing to turn Missouri around. Let us lift a leg for freedom. We must all do our part to dampen the bushes.

(Signed)Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yell,

I can't believe what's going on in Washington these days. Now a Republican cover-up of the Rep. Mark Foley sex predator scandal. How low will these guys stoop to hold onto a congressional seat?

(Signed) R.I. Stassen:

Dear Stass:

Washington is a moral swamp needing to be drained. With these neo-cons, it's not about protecting kids or troops or families or the environment. It's about protecting power, predators, and petroleum.

November 7th is just around the corner. You know what to do.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

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Dear Doggy:

I think it's time to phase out in Iraq. What do you think?

(Signed) Monica Moreland
 

Dear Mo Mo,

Yes, our troops have done their share. It's time to rotate and replace. Let's call up the Potomac River Fife and Fiddle Corps--those who are most passionate about bush warfare and are currently strapped to their desks in Washington.

I know that the 101st Lawn Mower Brigade is combat ready. They have dashing uniforms--Prada knee-high boots, spike-topped helmets, and satin-lined capes. They cut quite a swath on the Tidal Basin during their maneuvers. (Excuse the pun.)

Let's get some flair and fashion into the war. I'm bored by the current fatigue design. Those sickly-colored, irregular blotches make our troops look like they're wearing a skin disease. Let's get with it, people, we can win this war if we become more hip and less hostile.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

Have you had any contact with John McCain since he "abdicated" to the White House on the torture issue?

(Signed) Aaron Wesley
 

Dear Wes,

I have removed the ol' sailor from my Rolodex. He has sided with his captors in Washington--something he never did in Vietnam. His yellow submarine is no longer welcome in my port.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yell,

Do you have any advice for the Democrats in the upcoming election?

(Signed) John Wigmor

Dear Wiggy,

Democrats are such love muffins and their counterparts are vicious pit bulls with a sweet tooth. The Dems have been devoured in recent years at each election.

I would urge upon these gentle souls the words of that deep thinker from "Blazing Saddles," Hedley Lamarr, who said, "I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly."

But--may I add--they should also act wisely, justly, and with a pure heart, as becomes their instincts.

This is no time to chase tennis balls. As they say at the kennel, "Let us not paws in the work of freedom."

(Signed) Yours till the dogs come home, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yello,(rhymes with Jello, right?)

The Muslims seem pretty miffed with Pope Benedict's recent remark. Any comment on this one?

(Signed) Web Wag

Dear Webby. (I pardon your poor excuse for humor in order to display my forgiving nature--but don't try it again.)

As to your question: Benny and I met many years ago when I was taking a few laps in a German beer garden near Munich. I asked him who had invented the umlaut.

We all know it was Dr. Evil's father who invented the question mark, but who the hell is responsible for those dots atop the German alphabet?

He was stunned by my inquiring mind and we spent the evening discussing Hellenistic astral mysticism. I found him to be a man of immense goodwill and a credit to the fatherland and the papacy. I am certain that the insertion of the offensive remark was the work of some Vatican terrorist, not Benny.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Ms. Dawg:

I was reading a book of Bushisms recently and saw where the president said, "If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." What does he mean by that?

(Signed) Herman Fuller

Dear Hermie:

What a poignant observation by our Commando in Chief. He is absolutely right. Habitual proliferating of any kind is despicable. Excessive proliferation has been know to cause mutations in armadillos, infertility in polar bears, and a reduction in the gross domestic output.

It is our duty to do all we can to bring wanton proliferations to justice. If they want to proliferate on Muslim soil that is their business, but we must never allow proliferating here in the home land. Let's all do our part.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow:

I see where Princes William and Harry have made the news again with their "pub"-licity stunts. Any advice here?

(Signed) Mary Golden

Dear Goldie,

Ahh, the royal pups are being a bit playful, are they? It is definitely time for them to be weaned. Send them to America where we can put their royal abilities to good use.

Here are a few openings suitable to their skills. Katherine Harris needs instructions on "How to Be a Royal Pain in the Butt and Still Be Lovable."

George Allen needs a travel companion with international sensitivity expertise. He will even give the royal brothers affectionate names like Willy Wonka and Hanky-Panky.

Also, the American Oil Moguls Convention is looking for a speaker on "How to Live Like Kings on Your Windfall Profits." Perfect.

The regal whippersnappers can yet make a worthwhile contribution to society if their talents are channeled properly.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow:

I hear that Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet Kinkajou, Baby Luv. I know you have celebrity contacts, what do you know about this?

(Signed) Sherman
 

Dear Sherm,

Now, I don't mind a little ear nibbling among close acquaintances, but this sounds disgusting. We're talking about a over-sized rodent here--one with very sharp teeth that sleeps during the day. Who in the hell wants a pet like that? Sounds like a cross between a vampire and a Chihuahua.

From my experience I say beware of such species. Unlike canines, they are unstable and ungrateful.

When seeking a home companion, write for my list of "Certified Pre-Owned Pets for Home and Travel." Each comes with my stamp of approval.

(Signed) Ta, Ta, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Y.D.

Should Lieberman get out of the primary?

(Signed) Jon Winston

Dear Winnie,

If this Connecticut primary had been a dog show, Joe would have gotten the second-place red ribbon for his office wall. But, alas, this is the cruel world of politics where the winner takes all. In the end, Joey couldn't even pull off Mr. Congeniality.

Joe, you have to know when to stop chasing the car and go back to the porch.

In my opinion, the Senator should become John McCain's vice presidential running mate. What a team of white-haired, hard-headed old men they'd be. The perfect Republican ticket.

(Signed): Respectfully yours, Yellow Dog
 

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Dear Yell,

Do you think there's anything to global warming?

(Signed) Ken Keyes

Dear Kinky:

My friend, Vladimer, a Siberian Husky, says that his bobsled team has been shorn to the skin to keep them from over-heating. Now, when fur-bearing animals have to go about buck naked, looking like Dr. Evil's pet cat, that's a sure sign some thing's wrong with the global thermostat.

But as Captain Decider would say, "It's just too hot to think about that right now." So take my advice. Stay indoors, drink lots of Mojitos, and avoid over-exertion. It works for me. See...wasn't that easy?

Your faithful friend, Yellow Dog

 

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Dear Yellow:

Do you have any vacation plans this year?

(Signed) Amanda Fuerst

 
Dear Mandy:

I have an invitation from my dear friend, Barney, the White House pooch. He wants me to hang out with him in Crawford during the presidential family vacation. He tried to entice me--(that furry, little devil)--by saying there'd be plenty of bushes to pee on. What do you suppose he meant by that?

(Signed) Your most humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Ms. Dawg:

The Reverend James Dobson says "dogs aren't born mooing and people aren't born gay." Have you ever known a mooing dog?

(Signed) Lola

Dear Lolala,

Nooo...but I've know dogs to purr like a kitten and coo like a dove when under the influence of my seductive charm.

(Signed) Most affectionately, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yell,

Can you help me? I am a twenty-year-old frozen blastocyst no bigger than the dot at the end of this sentence. I have no education, no Social Security, and no right to vote. There are a half million "people-sicles" like me. My only hope is a future in medical research, which I find most appealing, but unavailable to me at this time. What should I do?

(Signed) Snowflake
 

Dear Flake,

Are you pulling my little yellow leg here? If you are for real, I have some good news for you. My friend Barney, the presidential pooch, tells me that the "Decider" is looking for homes for all of you guys.

If Republicans win the next election, he will commandeer all vacant uteruses to carry unused "people" such as yourself. So hold on awhile longer, little frozen feller, help is on the way.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Y.D.

Com'on now, do you really think Rick Santorum has a pick up truck? (Editor's Note: See previous letter below this one)

(Signed) Bewitched in Braymer
 

Dear B.B.

Well, by golly, if he doesn't, he'd better run out and get one. No self respecting neo-con would be caught without a pickup truck during an election year.

If need be, I can get him a "Mike Keough Deal," (wink-wink),through my doggie friend Bluster, who is close to the Blunders, (Blunt/Kinder)--the twins separated at birth but reunited by the Missouri Republican Party. Bluster, a folksy Cocker Spaniel, also is the "owner" of a fee office, under an assumed name, of course.

But, I digress. Tell Little Ricky I can deliver the pickup on short notice.

(Signed) Your loyal and faithful servant, Yellow Dog

---

Dear Yellow:

Did you see the picture of Sen. Rick Santorum delivering a speech in the U.S. Senate wearing a bright pink tie with a blue seersucker suit? Obviously, he doesn't get his fashion tips from you.

(Signed) Howard L. Moore, Sr.

Dear Howie,

And such a pity it is. As the election approaches, he is striving for a debonair look to make himself more appealing to women voters. But, with a neon-pink tie following the route of his esophagus, he looked like a chart for a Pepto-Bismol commercial. I was waiting for someone to poke a pointer in his stomach to show how the pink liquid works in the digestive track.

The poor soul is sartorially challenged. Let's hope that he will soon spill some Chinese carry-out on this bright-colored cravat. He can then relegate it to the back end of his pickup truck, where it can be used as a safety tie for protruding objects.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Y.D.

Where have you been? Haven't heard from you in a while. Thought you might have re-located. If you're still around, what do you think of the new GOP website?

(Signed) Warrior Woman

 

Dear Ms. Woman:

It is good to be missed, especially by flying objects and extraneous kicks. I have been on vacation. We warriors of the written word must take a little R&R to sharpen our perspective, don't you agree?

I'm a bit of a tumbleweed, as you know by now, with a need to follow fresh scents and new paths. There is more to life than chew toys and cedar-filled doggie cushions, at least that's what Rambo, my adorable Doberman friend said just before we took off on our Spring fling.

As to the current Republican blogster: So far, he seems like just another GOP sock puppet with a room temperature IQ.

(Signed) Your most amiable pooch, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Y.D.

Bush is sinking like a rock in the polls. With a 29% approval rating, don't you think it's time we helped him "out?"

(Signed) Barbara B. (no kin to the others)

Dear Barbie,

Shame on voters that it took them so long. If someone was whacking me across the chops everyday; putting surveillance devises in my kennel; giving the meatiest bones to the greediest dogs; and diminishing the rights of yellow-haired canines; I'd be standing on my hind legs, at the end of my leash, snapping and snarling for change.

When you've had enough, tap me a message on the genuine, brass, secret decoder ring that I'm enclosing--it's the only safe way to communicate these days. I will then round up the Blue-Coated Underdogs for Freedom-- the "Bundies," as we call 'em here in the Ozarks. In no time, we'll have the rascals on the run.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yell,

It sound like the righteousass Republicans are having a good old time tracing the phone calls of ordinary Americans. By the way, is it true that Osama has an unlisted number?

(Signed) Troubled

Dear Trub,

You're right, Americans are being tracked and sniffed like a coon dog in heat. I call these abuses of the Constitution--"Democracy Cuts." Unlike their "Tax Cuts," theses cuts effect all of us. It's time to stop barking and growling and bear our teeth in the cause of freedom.

(Signed) Your fiery friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Hi Ms.Dog

What do you think of George Bush saying that the highlight of his presidency was catching a 7.5-lb. bass?

(Signed) John Kipfer

Dear Kip:

What a cosmic coincidence! I, too, have had such an existential moment! I once caught a 7.5-lb. bass with my bare teeth, unassisted by rod, reel, or net. It was a profound, life-changing experience rivaled only by my romantic fling with LaRue, an apricot poodle that I met during an ocean voyage. But that's another story.

(Signed) Your furry soul mate, Yellow Dog

---

Dear Ms. Dog:

I read that some of the "Beltway Boys" are taking notice of the "Blunt Bandits." This should be an interesting tete-a-tete, don't you think?

(Signed) Connie Gustav

Dear Gussie,

Yes, the FBI has been sniffing the hydrants recently and now the Washington news hounds are hot on the trail. I'm sure the Blunties are quaking in their fee offices at the thought of these White House lapdogs dropping into River City for a few hours.

The "Bloggin' Bloodhounds" will figure it out before they do. I will not spoil my summer with such pursuits, however. My friend, Marvin, a phlegmatic Border Collie, says: "Indict 'em all and let God sort 'em out."

(Signed)Your cold-nosed, warm-hearted friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Ms.Dog:

I noticed that President Bush has finally come up with a some ideas for dealing with high gas prices. What do you think of his plan?

(Signed) Toto

 
Dear Toto (Really? How quaint.)

One of our local Pug dogs suggested that it might be worth adding a "values" element to the President's gas saving proposals.

He suggested a point system that awards those who travel to desirable locations, such as church, a conservative political gathering, or a Branson theater. Travelers to the polls outstate would also earn points toward cheaper gas. Inner city voters, however, would be encouraged to walk or take the bus (Don't forget your new ID card or it may take more than one trip).

What a precious idea! As my ole huntin' buddy, Dick Cheney, used to say, "It's like killing two birds with one stone."

(Signed) Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog
 

---

Dear Yellow One:

I'm angry about the Republicans trying to "card" Grandma at the polls. How do you feel about their new ID scheme to disenfranchise the old, poor, and minorities?

(Signed) Marty O'Reilly
 

Dear Marty O:

Why are humans so resistant to being tagged? We tag clothing, luggage, cars, plants, fish and dogs. Personally, I wear a locator tag on my Versace collar with all my vital statistics--though I do balk at the weight and age indications.

Among humans, we already tag hospital patients, soldiers, the dead, cocktail party goers, prisoners, government workers, and kindergartens. So we are only steps away from being an ID'ed nation already. Why go to the expense of a middle step just for voting? I say let's go straight to implanted ID/locater chips at birth.

(Signed) Your intrepid friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yell:

I understand that President Bush revealed last week that he is a "Decider." What do you think of that?

(Signed) Addison P. Clark
 

Dear Addy,

Yes, I heard that the prez came out of the closet, revealing that he has been a "Decider" for years. This is troubling to those of us who believed Rove and Cheney and Rumsfeld to be Deciders.

Frankly, I don't know if the American people will tolerate their president being a Decider as it runs contrary to the very values that shape this administration.

I do hope the President will get treatment, as this is a condition that can be cured. He was not born that way.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yellow:

I read where Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga) smacked a Capitol guard upside the head with a cell phone when he attempted to check her identity. What do you think of such antics by our lawmakers?

(Signed) Misty Iman

Dear Misty Eye:

Obviously, Cynthia showed poor judgment in not wearing her members' pin on a day she was sporting a new hair-do. Such changes in appearance are confusing to guards who take their job seriously.

I have had a similar experience after returning from the salon. With my new fragrance, clip, and painted toenails, I am often unrecognized as the layed back, unadorned internet star that I am.

Rather than prance through the studio gate wagging my tail and flaunting my rhinestone collar, I have learned to pause and nuzzle the guards. Perhaps Ms. McKinney might want to do the same.

(Signed) Ever yours, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Ms. Dog:

The President threw out the first ball this week to mark the opening of the baseball season Are you a baseball fan?

(Signed) Cindy Bader

 

Dear Cinbad:

No,my game is Frisbee. I can leap three feet in the air and nimbly snag a well-thrown disk traveling at breathtaking speed. To witness my prowess, grace, and agility plan to attend the Branson Annual Frisbee Toss and Tennis Ball Chew.

It's a gala event that attracts dogs from everywhere. Which reminds me: Ann Coulter will be judging our howling, barking, and snarling contest this year.

I am sending you two free tickets to our Liverwurst Barbecue, which includes an all-you-can-eat spread on the lawn of the Kennel Club.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yellow Dog:

I hear Le Guv is visiting France. Have you ever been to France and, if so, what advice would you give him?

(Signed) Nora Goodman

Dear Goody:

O'le Blue Eyes crooned my sentiments exactly: "I love Paris in the springtime...I love Paris in the fall."

While in Gay Paree, I frolicked in the Jardin des Tuilleries with Le Rue, a frisky apricot poodle who made my acquaintance aboard ship. What tender memories I have of our morning romps along the Champ Elysses topped off with a splash au natural in the River Seine.

He would whisper in my ear: "A jug of wine, a loaf of liverwurst, and thou..." Ahh, La Rue was such a romantic.

I do hope the Governor takes time from his busy wine-tasting schedule to have a spring fling in the park.

(Signed) Your well-traveled friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yell:

Which canine breed would you liken Ann Coulter to? I say a Pit Bull. My friend says an Elk Hound?

(Signed) Rosemary Selby

 
Dear Rosie,

I am offended that you would try to equate Ms. Coulter to any of our breeds. Canines are sensitive, loyal, forgiving, lovable, and faithful. In my opinion, she is deficient in all those traits and, thus, unworthy of any comparison. She's yours. We don't want her.

(Signed) Your friend, Yellow Dog
 

---

Dear Yellow:

Did you follow the recent, so called, "Swarmer" military excursion in Iraq?

(Signed) Tom Gunston

Dear Gunny,

At first I was confused. Was "Swamer" a new killer bee flick? A clever name for a space heater? Or an upscale version of the Hummer?

Roy elucidated me. (We all need eluciation from time to time, don't we?) I got the impression that it was a Pentagon maneuver, testing the new Iraqi army's ability to inflict "shock and awe." Am I correct?

Frankly, I will be pleased when all combat is simulated, simple, and civilized. We must start by computerizing military battles so they can be conducted more safely, distantly, and at far less cost. Perhaps this is a beginning.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

---

Hi Yello:

I listened to Katherine Harris tell Shawn Hannity that she will throw her whole $10 million family inheritance into her U.S.Senate race in Florida. Should she do such a drastic thing? BTW, my bull terrier, Hugo, is an admirer of yours and sends his regards.

(Signed) Debbie Ann Little

Dear Little Debbie,

No need to begin collecting sacks of bones for Katherine just yet. She only agreed to throw in Daddy's dollars, not Hubby's hordes (estimated at $20 mill). Win or lose, she will not likely miss a scheduled meal or face-lift.

And, I might add that I am not the least bit envious of her long, thick lashes, tauntly-stretched cheeks, or her well-stocked portfolio.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

P.S. Tell Hugo that I am an assertive Pisces, always ready for a fling or an affaire de coeur.

 

---

Dear Yellow Dog:

How do you feel about the port problem that's been in the news recently?

(Signed) Bud Krantz

 

My Dear Buddy:

Frankly, I've not detected a problem with my port this year. Are we having some difficulty of which I am unaware? The last bottle I lapped down was quite pleasant.

Incidentally, we produce excellent wines here in the Ozarks. Should your problem persist, please allow me to send you our Branson Sampler Basket. Just set out the beef-scented candles and the fine liverwurst pate for a perfect at-home evening with a special friend.

(Signed)Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

P.S. Oops!...excuzee-moi. Roy tells me that I have misinterpreted your question. You speak of the outsourcing of our ocean ports to the United Arab Emirates, right? Now I don't mind some nice unterrorizing Arabs getting a little port action, but who are these emirates? I am suspicious. I say, if we can't trust Mexican emirates into our country, why should we trust those Arab emirates?
 

---

Dear Ms. Dawg:

Do you have a philosophy of life that you would recommend?

(Signed) Ms. L. Fannon

Dear Fanny,

As you have observed by now, I am blessed with keen perspicacity, impeccable taste, and rare political acuity. I survive by the use of my rapier wit and superior intellect, with which I am amply endowed.

I stay focused on the things that matter--the scent of fresh liver in the air; a well-flung frisbee; a wet-nosed companion snuggled with me upon my L.L. Bean doggie cushion.

My advice: Slow down and take time to smell the hydrants.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

P.S. Any opportunity to nibble the ankles of an odious Republican also adds meaning to life.

 
Dear Yell:

Give me your take on the Cheney hunting episode. BTW, are you a hunter or, should I say, huntress?

(Signed) Carson Vanderbilt

 

Dear Van:

 

Yes, as I've mentioned before, I am a huntress--a mushroom huntress. Occasionally, I stalk the wild asparagus, but I leave the pointing and fetching to other breeds that are less refined than I.

As to the "Cheney-bags-lawyer" story, we canines figured it out right away. Two old geezers have a few beers over some barbecue, followed by a bourbon chaser or so that afternoon. Macho specimens that they are, instead of taking a nap, they decide to take the dogs and gals for some fresh air and entertainment before dinner. And one of 'em walks in front of the others gun. It's been happening since the invention of gunpowder.

As we say here in the Ozarks: "Guns, Gals, Geezers, and Gin...that's how it all begins; that's how it all ends."

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

---

Dear YD:

Sen. Talent said he was against stem cell research before he was for it. Seems like I've heard that line before. Is he a waffler?

(Signed) Hazel Musgrove

 

Dear Haze:

He's definitely not a frozen waffle. They're too solid.

He's more like a half-baked waffle, if you know what I mean, kinda soggy and runny in the middle. When I have a culinary disaster like this in my kitchen, I just throw the batch out and start over. Might be a good idea here, too.

(Signed) Your ever-ready servant, Yellow Dog

 

P.S. I once had a chew toy shaped like a waffle. It squealed whenever I chomped on it. Hmmmm....

 

---

Dear Ms. Dog:

How are the southwest Missouri Republican leaders taking the recent legislative victory by Democrats?

(Signed) Maudlynn Rice

 

Dear Maudie:

It's scarin' the stuffin' out of 'em. They're running in circles like a wire-haired terrier in heat.

These wrong-wing conservatives remind me of a bunch of fleas feasting on a fat dog. It will take a heavy dose of flea powder to rid us of the infestation. But we're on our way--one vermin at a time.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell:

What's your take on the news that Boehmer is renting an apartment from an influential Washington lobbyist?

(Signed) Joy at Shades of Blue

 

Dear Shady Lady,

What a cozy arrangement. If the plumbing breaks, the Congressman knows it will be fixed pronto. If he's a bit late in making a payment,no sweat. New paint and refurbishing needed? "Why, certainly, Congressman, what color?" Hopefully, the lobby-leasor provides dog sitting, flower watering, and a stocked bar as part of the rental package.

As you know, I'm wintering here at Branson where I sleep under Andy William's bed. In exchange, I do what he asks of me at the theater. I feel it's my moral obligation to be faithful to my provider. As my grandshire used to say, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." I assume that Mr. Boehmer adheres to the same high ethical standards that I do.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yellow:

I know that a pooch of your wit and charm must have many suitors. What do you look for in a mate?

(Signed) Janette Musgrove

 

Dear Jan:

A cold nose and a warm heart are essential. If he arrives bearing a sack of rawhide chips, all the better.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

 

Give me your take on the new House Majority Floor Leader John Boehner--that name's French, isn't it?

 

(Signed) Kenneth W. Boyce

 

Dear Kenny Boy:

 

Yes, Frenchy did a number on Bro. Blunt, the political whiz kid. But as runner up, Roy B. got the Mr. Congeniality award--majority whip. C'est la vie, as Boehner would say.

Frankly, if you shook 'em up in a gunny sack and rolled 'em out on the ground, there wouldn't be a dime's worth of difference in the two of 'em. Blunt once tried to hide a favorable plum for the tobacco companies in a House bill and Boehner is known to have handed out tobacco lobbyist's checks on the floor of the House when they were considering a bill to end a tobacco subsidy.

The Rs wanted to make a show of throwing the rascals out without actually doing anything too drastic. As it turned out, Blunt was too Delay-ish, Shadegg wasn't Delay-ish enough, but Boehner...well, he was jusssst right.

As my poodle friend, La Rue, would say, "Laissez les bon temps roulez?"

(Signed) Yours in the work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yellow:

Some of our elected representatives that we sent to Washington have taken what Roy Temple calls "kinky money" --you know, from the guy who made a fortune with a porn hot line. What do you think we should do about that?

(Signed) H. Morehouse

 

Dear Atch,

"Lord, have mercy," as my grandsire used to say. "What has this world come to?"

Everybody around these parts is pretty upset with what our good Republican, family-values boys are doing. We sent 'em off to the Capitol City to straighten things out and the next thing you know they're cozing up to money launders, porn purveyors, and them lady lobbyists with the glossy, red lips.

I say the whole passel of them needs a good whippin' come November. Let's bring 'em home where we can get some religion back into 'em. Then we can send somebody to Washington that so busy working for the people, they won't have time for mischief makin'.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

---

Dear Y.D.

My sources tell me that you were seen with a stunning Norwegian Elkhound named Oslo. Is there any truth to the rumor that you were swept off your paws by this Scandanavian charmer?

(Signed) Patricia Blakston

 

Dear Trish,

I met Oslo at a frisby throw last fall. He was a large, sable-colored show dog wearing a stunning Versace collar. It was love at first whiff. He promised me a 40" L.L. Bean dogbed with a fleece-top and monograming if I would only accompany him to Norway.

But I just couldn't leave Roy and Jean to manage this site without me. So we shared a liver biscotti and a Mojito at the airport before he departed. It was so...so very Casablanca.

(Signed) Your lovelorn friend, Yellow Dog

 

---

Dear Yellow:

I am sponsoring a 5K race and would love to have you come kick it off for us. What are my chances?

(Signed) Angel

 

Dear Angelic One,

Let me set the record straight...I do not attend, participate, or sponsor any event that causes excessive panting or sore limbs. So count me out. I am a cozy-fireplace-kinda pooch. Let me know when you have a barbecue.

I have spent the last week lounging in front of the TV with my winter companion, Killer, a passive Doberman Pincher, who is watching the Alito hearing with me. Killer does not have the same political acumen as I, so he was terribly bored. (He drools when he's bored, which is terribly annoying to one of my breed.)

For those worried that Judge Alito might overturn Roe v. Wade, be not concerned. To the conservative Republicans, Roe is a juicy bone to be gnawed upon, preserved fondly, and re-gnawed in every fundrai$ing letter they send. Why would they part with so great a political treasure?

(Signed) Yours in the quest for freedom, Yellow Dog

 

P.S. So your name is Angel? What a lovely name. I once knew a pit bull named Angel. Are you any kin?

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Yellow,

 

What can you do to prevent the R's from electing Roy Blunt to replace Tom DeLay?

 

(Signed) Donn Rockford

 

Dear Rocky,

 

Why is it I must strategize for the entire Democratic party from my humble domicile here in the Ozarks? Is there no one in the party with my perspicacity? I suppose not.

 

Let's just hope that Blunt does replaces Delay. The hounds are strong on his scent already. My companion, Killer, has just started a website and is taking bets on just how long Blunt would remain in office, if elected.

 

Barney, (my White House insider), tells me that the rave bumper sticker on Capitol Hill and K Street reads: "Elect the Other Crook."

 

Let's all keep our paws crossed.

 

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Yellow:

 

How long should we stay in Iraq?

 

(Signed) John Q. Public--not my real name

 

Dear Jake (or whoever you are)

 

Rummy asked me that same question when he stopped by to pick up some recorded data from the Black Helicopter Brigade, the top secret homeland security unit based here in the Ozarks. (I know their exact location, but my lips are muzzled.)

 

I told him I didn't have a dog in this fight and suggested that he find a fresh international foe. I'm tired of this one. Leave Iraq--like we did Afganistan--and move on to greener pastures, I said. Maybe Iran or Syria. Or a gig in Africa.

 

What the hell ever happened to the guy with the turban and the machine gun who used to send us little notes from time to time. Can't remember his name. I think it starts with an "O". We could go back to looking for him.

 

Alas, as the Prez sez: "Nation building is hard work."

 

 

 

 

 

Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Y.D.

 

What do you think of the latest scandal. I call it, "Snoopgate." Don't people have a right to privacy anymore?

 

(Signed) Marlo Anne Matson

 

Dear M&M,

 

As a canine, I am for free and unrestrained sniffin' and snoopin'. How dull life would be if I couldn't engage in such au natural pleasantries free from over zealous judges and their pesky warrants.

 

What is it with you humans always needing privacy? In the bedroom ...bath...on the phone and computer. You even want your library, medical, financial, and phone records snoop proof. Well, get over it. It ain't gonna happen.

 

I have talked with the President about this matter and we are in complete accord. He looked me in the eye, patted me on the head and said, "Too much privacy breeds terrorism"--whatever the hell that means.

 

Then he gave me a meaty soup bone and a bottle of Scuppernong and told me to spread the word. So there, you have it: privacy's bad; prying's good. I've done my patriotic duty.

 

 

 

Semper fidelis, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there, Yell:

 

What are you doing for the Holidays? Do you have a tree? Doing any traveling? What's you favorite holiday food treat?

 

(Signed) Shelby Newsom

 

Dear Shelly:

 

I love peanut brittle. It has a bone-like crunch and is perfect when served with my delicious Alpo-artichoke dip, which I shall do when entertaining the kennel club next week.

 

While I enjoy the aromatherapy provided by a live tree, my Poodle companion, LaRue, says that the presence of a live tree indoors over-excites his bladder. And, his multiple personality disorder only makes things worse. Poor thing, he is constantly scratching on the door.

 

You didn't ask, but I am still at Andy Williams' theater here in Branson. I am working as a guide dog for an ageing Rockette, who still goes by the name "Crazy Legs." She can't find her way on stage without me, but once in front of an audience the old tah-rah-rah-boom kicks in. (The bottle of Merlot before show time also has a limbering effect.)

 

"Legs" is a favorite of the Hank Hill crowd that visits here in the winter. What with the budget rates, the all-you-can-eat buffets, and Andy's annual Christmas Extravaganza and Zoo Parade, Branson is a winter getaway. Thanks to global warming the temperatures are balmy and pleasant. So hop on a tour bus and come on down.

 

BTW, did I tell you that I'm a consultant to the Chamber of Commerce now. Mention my name and get a 7% discount on a grande, decaffeinated, skim-milk latte with a splash of hazelnut.

 

Joyeaux Noel, mon ami (LaRue taught me that), Yellow Dog

 

 

 

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

 

I saw Attorney General Jay Nixon interviewed on MSNBC last night. He did a fine job. But could you tell him that he needs to "lose the glasses" that he is now wearing. The rimless ones that he's sporting just aren't a good idea. What do you think?

 

(Signed) Gracie

 

Dear Gracie:

 

My advice to the visually impaired politician is this: When on television use a seeing eye dog. They rest nicely under your chair and can get you to and from your car without the need for trendy eyewear.

 

I know a recent immigrant, a responsible Mexican Chihuahua with impeccable vision, who works cheap. This might be the solution.

 

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dawg:

 

 

What are you doing to help the NOLA evacuees?

 

(Signed) Peter E. Sears

 

Dear Petey:

 

I keep trying to convince FEMA and the Guv to relocate the evacuees to Branson. (But let's not call them evacuees any longer;let's call them the holiday homeless, since they are being kicked out of their temporary housing just in time for Christmas.)

 

Here in Branson we are especially interested in the muscians, singers, cooks, and service industry workers. What better place to recreate Bourbon Street, then right her in southwest Missouri where we have earthquakes only every century or so.

 

This could become a real family entertainment oasis with vast economic possibilities. Think of this as a merger of the Bible Belt with Sin City. While Aunt Nelly rocks at the Gospel Sing-a-long, Uncle Ned can oggle the dancing girls at the Bourbon Street Cafe. (If he can't oggle, he can google--little internet humor, there)

 

Be sure to sign the Bourbon Street/Branson merger petition the next time you're in the Walmart park lot. This could be really, really big.

 

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

Dear Ms.Dog:

 

You used to write about your "relationship" with Barney, the First Dog. Have you heard anything from him recently?

 

(Signed)Kent Clark

 

Dear Supe:

 

Here are a few blurbs from Barney's most recent email. "Thank heavens, Cheney's around less now that he's the official Torture Czar for the War on Terror. I have never seen a man more into his work. Last week he threatened to break my hind legs, if I peed on his pant leg again. Frankly, I thought the punishment exceeded the crime. Still, I stay out of kicking range, but close enough to emit an odorous scent from time to time.

 

"I went with the Big Enchilada to Crawford on vacation this summer. Hated it. They put me on some damn dog diet and made me run behind the bicycle ever morning. I escaped for a few days and hung out in the ditch with Cindy, where the Tex-Mex leftovers were more appealing.

 

"I am on the official trip to China now, where I am being pampered by a harem of Shar-Peis. Alas, none of them compares with you, my velvet-pawed, cold-nosed, yellow-haired beauty...." (Barney is such a romantic.)

I told him to bring back a pair of concrete Foo Dogs for the White House, you know, those legendary guard dogs that eat evil people. What a feast they would have in Washington.

 

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Yellow:

 

So you've been hanging out with Judy Miller. What gives?

 

(Signed) W.W. Day

 

Dear Double Day,

 

Indeed, I do know Judy. I have asked her to relocate here in Branson where I can give her the moral guidance and maternal oversight that she so desperately needs.

 

I have also notified Scooter, Bugsy, T. Blossom, and The Vice that we are willing to provide them values therapy, as well. Perhaps Rev. Jim Bakker can help. The Rev has a place down the street where he broadcasts from a restaurant--not as grand as the good old days; nonetheless, his humble comeback is a remarkable example for others who have strayed from the "straight and narrow."

 

I am seeking federal funds under the Man's Best Friend Act to provide canine support for Bush administration dropouts--a program for which they may potentailly qualify. It is called Republicans Awaiting Trial and Sentencing (RATS). I urge them to apply, for the waiting list is growing.

 

It is good that we here in Branson can provide the moral climate and worldly distraction that is necessary for a full recovery.

 

 

 

(Signed) You loyal servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Ms. Doggy,

 

The Dems sure laid it on the Rs, snatching the Virginia and New Jersey governorships and two mayoral seats, while giving Gov. Terminator and his ballot initiatives a thumbs down. Inquiring minds yearn to know: is this a sign of a turn around in '06 and '08?

 

(Signed) Curt Huxley, Jr.

 

Dear Huck,

 

I will crawl out on a limb here--which I seldom do--and say that these are definitely the end times for the Rs. They will sink from the weight of their own misdeeds back into the gooey swamps of the Potomac, unsung and undone.

 

Let's all do our part to hasten the day.

 

 

 

 

 

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Yell,

 

Does it bother you that there are cars named after animals--the jaguar, cougar, ram, mustang, colt, even the rabbit. But no dog names. Do you think there's a feeling that if a car has a canine name, it might be a ...ah ... how should I put it...a dog? If you know what I mean.

 

(Signed) Franklin Bridgewater

 

Dear Franky,

 

Considering all the good qualities that dogs bring to the world and our close relationship with mankind, I would think that calling a car a "dog" is a good thing. And, besides, we actually enjoy cars while those other animals do not.

For that reason, I call on the motor industry to consider a few classy canine labels for their '06 line. Imagine the name Brittany (perfect for an English sporting car); the Doberman (fast, sleek, and trim); the Mastiff (a brawny, sic-em style, all terrain vehicle); and the Whippet (the mini-sized, 'round-town car).

 

Perhaps Detroit will catch on to the market potential, but for now all we have is a bus named in our honor.

 

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

 

Dear Yellow,

I heard about your new show. Congratulations! It sounds like you have at last found gainful employment?

(Signed) Rachel P. Dunston

Dear Rach:

Yes, I am so excited! I am staring in a new cook show featuring haute cuisine for pampered pets and picky people. It's called Bone Appetite.

The show combines my love for aromas and natural ingredients with my flair for cooking. Producers wanted me to use the stage name Yalleau Dawgette, but I far prefer the Ozark elegance of Yellow Dog.

I am looking to market a new line of kitchen accessories and cooking attire. It is so important that one be properly equipped and attired when pursuing the gastronomic arts. As you see by the photograph, when in the kitchen I aways wear a simple fur coat with white accessories. The charm of my show is that I am able to produce such culinary masterpieces from my tiny, cluttered, fiftyish-style kitchen. Emeral is green with envy.

(Signed) You officious friend, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

 

I thought I saw you driving along Highway 76 when I was in southwest Missouri last week. Quite a sleek convertible you were driving! I took this video as you whizzed by. Is it really you?

 

(Signed) Ernestine Broadside

 

Dear Erni,

 

Yes, it was I. Do forgive my rudeness in failing to stop. But the paparazzi are forever annoying us starlettes here in Branson. And, that day, I was running a bit late for my grooming appointment at the Clip n' Dip Spa.

The convertible belongs to my new best friend, Spike, an imposing English bulldog with impeccable bloodlines and a charming British accent. He's been chasing this car for years and finally caught it.

 

 

 

In the backseat, hanging on to her pad and pencil, was my uber-journalist friend, Judy Miller, of the New York Times. Poor soul, she has been in jail for 85 days and needed to feel the winds of freedom blowing through her hair. When she got out of the car, she seemed so grateful. I do admire an appreciative houseguest.

(Signed) Forever faithful, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms Dog,

 

I'm worried about you. Have you found a place to winter yet?

 

(Signed) Concerned in the Capital City

 

Dear Cappy,

 

No, I'm still here in Branson with the WOOFies, ("Well Off Old Folks"), who toss me an occasional bone. I stay at the Andy Williams Theater, but the situation is getting on my nerves. I have to deal with a yappy, half-wit Pomeranian, who is about the size of a hood ornament, dances on his hind legs, and wears cute little scarves coordinated with his leash. Everyone finds him adorable.

There is such an absence of discernment, style, and mental acumen today. But, of course, living in the Capital City, you already know that.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

This is kind of a political/physics question. Suppose I bite a Republican in the forest and there's no one there. If he lets out a scream, will anybody hear him?

(Signed) Your doggone friend and admirer, Toby the Terrier

Dear Toby,

Yes, but no one will come to his aid. Republicans are pretty much occupied these days with dodging bloggers, pollsters, and prosecutors. The legal beagles and sniffing bloodhounds are in hot pursuit of wrongdoers and it looks like a few might get treed this week.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Ms.Dog:

What do you think of the new Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers?

(Signed) Blue Moon over Branson

Dear Mooney:

She seems to be as friendly as a wet dog, but she's definitely in the bush league, if you know what I mean. As the sagacious Irish Setter on the pillow next to me just observed, "Again, the emperor has no clue."

(Signed)Your audacious tail-wagger, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow-Haired Dog:

Spence, the Guv's mouthpiece, seems hotter than a two-dollar pistol about this website. What's got him so riled up?

(Signed) Reuben Goodman

Dear Reub:

My, my, but Spence the Inept has been a bit peevish of late, hasn't he? And, all because of this little ol' bloggy doodle. His reaction brought to mind that scene in the Wizard of Oz, where Toto nips the mean Miss Gulch, who runs to Uncle Henry crying "I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg!"

Well, this gang was lame-brained long before Fired Up started nipping at their heels. Look for them to keep squealing like pigs on market day every time they get caught.

(Signed) Your tireless servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell:

I just read that the FBI has declared a war on pornography. Can we afford another costly war right now?

(Signed) Ortho Nelson, Jr.

My dear friend,

This is hardly a war. What are we talking about here, Ortho, just eight old geezers at the FBI watching porn flicks and cutting pages out of dirty books. For the good of the nation, we can only hope that when it comes to Category 5 smut, they will "know it when they see it."

Besides, it gives these G-Men a well-deserved break from chasing gangsters, terrorists, and corporate swindlers. Folks tell me that they feel safer already, what with the Pope cracking down on gay wannabee priests and now the new J. Edgar Hoover Memorial Porn Squad springing into action.

The biggest win, of course, is for Gen. Gonzo, who nails down his conservative credentials in hopes of a lifetime gig with the Supremes.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Ms. Dog:

I read that Gov. Jeb Bush has a "mystical warrior" friend named Chang, who he looks to for guidance. What about you? Any mystical warrior friends?

(Signed) Pete Nordstrum

Dear Petey:

When faced with a canine dilemma, I ponder, "What would Scooby Doo?" Yes, Scooby, the noble and heroic Great Dane is an inspiration as he whizzes about in his Mystery Machine, ridding the world of vampires, ghoules, and ghosts.

I'm thinking, we may need to call Scooby out of retirement to eliminate this mystical-warrior dude from Jeb's psyche. Scooby's cheaper than an exorcist and a lot better companion.

(Signed) Your friend in deed, Yellow Dog


Dear Ms. Dog:

Where do you live? I enjoy your letters and would like to send you a bag of Kibbles.

(Signed) Reginald Holloway

Dear Reggie:

How adorable and sensitive you are! Actually, I am homeless at the moment. I am hanging out here at Branson still rehearsing for the Andy Williams Christmas Extravaganza and Zoo Parade. Audiences adore me for the blog starlette that I am. They yell and throw objects onto the stage each time that I appear. I am deeply touched by the recognition.

In addition to my blossoming career as an actress, I recently registered with FEMA as a certified therapy dog with internet experience, willing to work from my home.

You may not know it, but hundreds of dogs are being confined to pounds without hydrants, trees, bones, or even chew toys. When Tom DeLay visited the other day, he patted the evacu-pups on the head and said, "Tell me the truth, boys, aren't you really having fun?" He left without the seat of his pants . . . but that's another story.

As to your question . . . I am looking to spend the winter in south Missouri with a progressive-thinking, elderly couple with a cozy fireplace, a wireless computer, and the taste for a good Mojito. Applicants must have no cats or miniature breeds in residence and should appreciate sharing themselves exclusively with a cultured and refined house companion.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell:

Being a dog yourself, what do you think of the situation on the Gulf Coast. I hear that people are being forced to evacuate and leave their pets behind.

(Signed) Leslie Henry

Dear Leslie:

I could tell that the "Big One" was on its way. We in the animal kingdom have a weather gene that forewarns us of radical climate change. I have suggested that Brownie, the FEMA head, might want to acquire a weather dog as a back up for the agency. (Brownie--what-the-hell kind of name is that, anyway, I though he was a Doberman Pinscher. You just can't trust anybody these days.)

When I felt the storm in the atmosphere here at Branson, I hid under Andy Williams's bed--not much action there--except for all those longhaired-cats that crawled under there with me. It was just stifling what with all my allergies and my aversion to felines.

But I digress . . . When I read that there was no plan for getting people transferred from nursing homes, hospitals, or jails, I knew that my doggy friends in NOLA were on their own. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty much on their own. Most animals have an advantage over humans, however. Not only do we have four legs and an innate ability to swim, we require less food and sanitation.

Tell FEMA, I can house at least three more pets under Andy's bed--preferably of a refined breed without fleas or sleeping disorders. Let's all do our part.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

I am so angry at these rightwing nut jobs in my neighborhood still sporting Bush stickers on their cars. Can you hear me screaming!!!!

(Signed) W. Willett

Dear Dubya:(Nah, I won't do that to you, seeing as how you're already mad).

Cool off, Willy, Get a dog. It will save you the trouble of biting people that you don't like.

(Signed) Your humble servant Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

Do you think anything worthwhile will come from the special session of the legislature this fall?

(Signed) Monty Pursell

Dear Percy:

Don't waste your time on this political show. Better you should mix up a batch of Mojitos, stretch out on your futon, and enjoy some old Lawrence Welk records. If boredom strikes, bathe the cat.

The alternative is to watch a passel of Shawn Hannity clones and licentious lobbyists drop-kick Medicaid patients from the Rotunda stairway as the boy ruler squeals with delight,"Do it again, harder!"

Do not look for "Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod" to report the story. Alas, it is up to us scurrilous scribe warriors to save the day. Blog on, baby! Blog on!

(Signed) Yours in the perilous work of freedom, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Y.D.

Give me your opinion on what's happening at "Camp Crawford" outside the president's ranchette?

(Signed) Leonard R. Morton

Dear Lenny:

The kennel club is dispatching the Helping Hounds, our crack canine unit known for their benevolence to humans. The Hounds are going to Crawford to howl and fetch, as well as to share their affectionate disposition with the weary campers.

I am in email contact with my good friend, Barney, the First Pooch, who is embedded within the Crawford compound. He tells me that things are tense behind the walls and he doesn't know how much longer they can hold out. People in the house are subsisting on cheese curls and Fox News. They fear that the Cindy Crusaders will overpower the guards, storm the north wall, block the bike path, and set fire to the remaining uncut brush.

I do hope Barney and the Hounds can find a peaceful resolution before there is further harm.

(Signed) Your intrepid canine servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

What's your take on the "dogmatic" dress code for Missouri state workers?

(Signed) Moulon Rouge

 

Dear Moo:

Though I personally wear a fur coat all year round, that does not prevent me from giving my view of the human attire that I have occasion to sniff.

One of the best-kept secrets in the Capital City, is that I, Yellow Dog, was the inaugural fashion advisor for the first family. I suggested that the first lady wear a touch of pink fake fur to draw attention from her drably-dressed hubby. Sadly, she only took part of my advice and, thus, suffered the fashion consequences.

But I digress; you asked about the state fashion police. As in politics, extremes are to be avoided. Men should refrain from dressing like John the Baptist or Michael Jackson and women should stay away from either the Madonna or June Cleaver look. Think of it as traveling on a four-lane highway. You don't want to go over the speed limit, but you shouldn't be caught dawdling either.

For more fashion tips, you can catch me in Branson, backstage at the Andy Williams Theater, where I'm rehearsing for a part in the Christmas extravaganza.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

In view of all the terrorism activity, where do you think it would be safe to vacation during the Dog Days of summer?

(Signed): Benny L.Thompson II

 

Dear BLT-2:

Try the beach. When people are walking around half-naked, they have other thoughts on their minds besides exploding bombs. The only seashore disturbances I have heard reported are occasional tsunamis, shark-sightings, or fraternity revelry. Pack your Speedos, your sunscreen--and for laughs--Rick Santorum's new book.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

PS: In the event you need companionship, I will be delighted to accompany you along with my new best friend, Chopper, a handsome Blue Tick Coon dog. Chopper is the perfect beach hound, having been college trained to fetch and open beer bottles and retrieve overthrown Frisbees.

Dear Yellow Dog:

I understand that you and Barney, the First-Pooch, are very close? Does he share any inside information with you?

(Signed): Burton Rushmore

 

Dear Rush:

Yes, Barney and I are quite close. We met some years ago over a fine Thuringer sausage and a bowl of osso bucco. Though Barney enjoys fine cuisine more often than I, his life in the spotlight is perilous. He is often blinded by flashbulbs, stepped upon by over-zealous security guards, and not allowed to poop on the White House lawn.

This is Top Secret--so, please, no leaks:Barney dislikes Karl Rove more than he does the vacuum cleaner! Barney also told me that he has bitten several war-mongering Republicans recently. Says they taste just like chicken.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

Hello Yellow Dawg:

Does it seem to you that Muscle and Fitness and Flex magazines are just a $5-million funnel from the health supplement industry to Gov. Schwarzenegger in hopes of keeping the regulations of their industry to a minimum?

(Signed) Ms. L.L. Marcelus

 

Dear Marcie:

My dear, don't you know that it's those triflin' welfare queens, deadbeat-student-loan dodgers, Canadian-prescription-drug shoppers, and their ilk who are bringing our country down. It's not respectable 'bidness' men like Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who doesn't even accept his governor's salary. People of his party, persuasion, fame, and fortune do not take advantage of others--at least, not in a way that it shows.

So what's the problem here? Health supplement advertisers spend mega-bucks to reach consumers by way of muscle-building magazines, while the "Governator" scrapes off a percentage of the take, making it unlikely that he'll weigh in on regulating the industry. By outsourcing the governorship, California gets to keep their paltry $175,000 state salary while Arni gets a real executive income for writing a magazine column. A win situation for everybody. How creative!

Just thinking of such intense back scratching makes my tongue water and my tale wag in circles.

(Signed) Your friend, Yellow Dog

 

Good Morning Yellow,

Give me your take on the Supreme Court?

(Signed) Gaston Smith

 

Dear Gas:

I don't know about those Supremes . . . I figure anybody wearing a robe from their ankles to their Adam's apple has something to hide.

But they can't hide from us canines. One of the best-kept secrets in Dogtown is that we have x-ray vision. Yep, we can see plumb through human beings. That's how we know who to bite, beg, or barf on.

I examined the Supremes real good. They may look the same on the outside with their heavy, black robes, but their underpinnings are quite different. For instance, when it comes to wearing black, O'Connor goes too far--it's all black Victoria Secret lingerie right down to the spiffy $38 Hipster.

And, Thomas--that trendy rascal--chooses a Speedo tiger-stripped thong to compliment his wardrobe. Ginsberg, ever the lady, goes for lace, 100% Belgian lace throughout, with a little puff of it showing at the neckline. Not surprising, Rehnquist wears a hospital gown and Scalia squirms in a camel's hair loincloth.

Now, I don't mind Souter wearing well-pressed Fruit of the Loom with the day Tuesday embroidered on the leg, but it being Thursday at the time, I thought it in poor taste.

If there's anybody else you want to "see through," give me a whistle. As to who should be placed on the Court . . . well, anybody who can stand to wear black everyday, has some cool underdrawers, and doesn't step on my tail, will do just fine.

(Signed) Ever yours, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Y.D.

Karl Rove said that he "never knowingly disclosed classified information?" Do you think his statement is just another one of those, "It depends on what the meaning of is, is," that we've heard before?

(Signed) Carmen Whitlock

 

My Dear Ms. Whitlock:

"Well, throw him a biscuit," as my grandpappy used to say when we pups did our tricks well. Now, here in Doggyland when there's a wrong doing, the perpetrator slinks around with his tail between his legs or barks frantically like the house is on fire, thereby, hoping to cause a distraction.

Knowing the Red Rover, I'd say he'd opt for the bark-distraction technique that has served him well in recent years. This guy's in the dog house big time and the press is giving him a soft, tummy rub instead of a swift kick in the butt.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

Woof! Some Democrats say that there is room for everybody in the party. Does the Democrat tent really have room for the thousands of tax-paying, talented, hard-working gays and lesbians in the State of Missouri or is that just a bunch of hooey?

(Signed): Gay Democrat in St. Louis

 

Dear Gay Dem:

I can tell by your "woof" that you are a seeker of truth, justice, and equality--and that's what matters. Forget the damn tent. Get in the trenches where the action is! We have a lot of wrongs to right and we need all those with courage and conviction to fight back for the America we want for the future. See you on the front line.

(Signed): Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

 

The Downing Street Memo says that the "intelligence and facts were being fixed" around the policy of removing Saddam. Some say it depends on what the meaning of the word "fixed" is. What does it mean to you?

 

(Signed): Anthony Tymes

 

Dear Tony,

I looked up the word "fixed" in my veterinarian manual and it means to "alter dramatically." An alley cat friend of mine, who habitually stayed out on the town late each night, tells me that he was "fixed" a while back. He still goes out nights, but only as a consultant.

Now that they can fix cats, elections, prizefights, horse races, and intelligence data, next thing you know they'll be fixing Social Security.

(Signed): Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

Why is there never talk about the stealing of Social Security money over the years by Congress? If Congress paid back what they have stolen, there would never be a money problem.

(Signed): Charlotte Hill

 

Dear C.Hill:

Just like an absent-minded Jack Russell does with bones, the Congress has been burying IOU's for the Social Security fund for years and then forgetting where they put 'em. Frankly, I don't know how to get Congress to stop diggin', and hidin' and fogettin'. But we sure don't want to give the president the chance to shovel what's left into private accounts.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog
 
[Yellow Dog receives more letters on "recall" than a GM Tire Center and, thus, will address the topic en toto.]
 

Dear Recall Fans:

Up until the time of Gray Davis, most people thought recall was what you did when the line was busy. No more. Petition-bearers are springing up all over the nation. True, our Guv will never get the Blue Ribbon for Best of Show, but I'm hoping with some guidance, he will catch on to this guvmint thingy.

I am tutoring him with well-known doggy success rules that every pup learns from the git-go. First: "Look cute when misbehaving,"(he still has difficulty with this, but is getting a lot of practice recently).

Second: "When happpy, dance around and wag your entire body,"(pity the man, he couldn't even do this at his own inaugural ball).

And, third--and my Bassett friend's favorite--"When all else fails, look pathetic." The Guv's got this one down perfect! One out of three, ain't bad. Give me a little longer to work with him.

In the meanwhile, you might want to get together with Osgoody, (following letter), for the Revolution Rumble under the bridge in River City this summer.

(Signed): Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

My dearest Yellow Dog:

It seems the constituents of the 94th and 150th state House districts continue without representation in the State House, yet continue to pay state taxes. How can Matt Blunt continue to neglect his constitutional duty to call for special elections to fill these House seats? It makes me want to "turn the dogs loose." What do you say?

(Signed) Your loyal friend, jgosgood
 

Hi Ho, fellow Scribe-Warrior!

"Taxation without representation!" you say. Them's fighting words in the US of A. I think it's time we have another Tea Party in the harbour. Why not, it worked once. I'll round up the kennel club to race through every village and hamlet, spreading the word. Osgoody, you fire up the cannon on the Capitol lawn, and by gosh, we'll give'em a good lickin'. We'll teach 'em not to mess with us Scribe-Warriors.
Unite! We have nothing to lose but our keyboards!

(Signed)Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

Is there any bite to this bark? I heard a rumor that our "pup" Governor didn't want to raise taxes on cigarettes. He felt it would make them too costly for the poor. If this is true, when has he started to care for the poor? Cause in less than a week, 100,000 people will be without health care.

(Signed) An old dog in St. Louis

 

Dear O.D.

My, my, old dog, you covered more ground with that question than a back-packing college kid with a rail pass. Let's see:there's the Guv, cigarettes, the poor, health care, and taxes all crammed into a few short sentences. Someone of your conciseness and inquiring mind should be writing government reports. But I digress.

Allow me a somewhat lengthy parable set in the time of the French Revolution. During the dark days of King Hooey XIV, the oppressed people of the realm rose up in arms and cried out in despair, "What ever shall we do; we have no health care." The King replied in mock astonishment, "Why do they fret, they have cigarettes."

But later, during a gathering of the royal family, Hooey's arrogance takes a different turn. Spin Jack, the court jester--a crafty fellow, glib of tongue, but slow of wit--inadvertently pushs a panic button, causing a sharp blade to descend on Hooey's neck. Hooey's outcry shows the extent of his detachment.

"Daddy, does this mean I won't have a second term as King," he mutters pathetically. "Nonesense," his father replies bluntly. "Pull yourself together and get out there and fight like a Hooey for those upper dogs."

So, Spin Jack the Inept, as he was thereafter known, reattachs the royal head. But in his usual blundering fashion, he gets it on backwards, causing historic consequences. Ever afterwards, Hooey and his decendants have been know as Right-wing Republicans, because they're always looking backwards at the same time they're moving blindly ahead.

(Signed) Your most humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell:

I noticed that the Guv is "playing ball" with the big-money lobbyists in Boston this weekend, hanging out in the $50,000-package seats. Did you ever have a seat like that at a baseball game?

(Signed) Horace Mattson

 

Dear Horace:

I wandered into Busch Stadium once, under the turnstile. Unlike most ordinary parks, this one was not canine friendly--so many legs to dodge and not a single tree or fire hydrant in sight. I followed the sign to Bleacher seats, which I mistook for "Beacher" seats because of the scanty dress and spirited nature of the crowd.

When I saw a woman jump up and holler, "Hot Dog, here!" I ran up and sat down by her. The next thing I know, she was whacking me over the head with a rolled up program. But some nice guy came to my rescue, offering me a bucket of something called "Co'beer." After that, I stretched out and slept through the rest of the game. I'm sure the Guv will have a better reception in the 50K section.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

Do you feel any camaraderie with Ann Coulter, seeing as how you are both outrageous and yellow-haired?

(Signed) Maggie Burnheart

 

Dear Meg:

As a token of our admiration for the yellow-haired huzzy, (a term I use with all due respect), my social club, "Itches of the Ozarks," has invited Ms. Coulter to be the guest speaker at our annual convention here in Branson. We also want her to present the awards to the winners of our Flea, Car, and Tail Chase competition. I know it's an honor she will be unable to resist.

To tempt her further, I threw in two tickets to the Andy Williams Show.

(Signed) Your noble servant, Yellow Dog
 

Hi Yellow D.

Any thoughts on how we capture Osama bin laden now that the CIA thinks they know his whereabouts?

(Signed) Watson Moore

 

Dear Wat:

As I have been saying for months now: send in the dogs. We can rout him out in no time. If canines can find moles and other ground-burrowing animals, we can find him, too. I sent the CIA my proposal. Get Skidmore, my St. Bernard friend, to go into the hills of Pakistan with a keg of Bacardi Mojitos around his neck, a saddlebag filled with Club Gitmo brochures and videotapes, and he'll come running out of those caves faster than you can say Donald Rumsfeld.

How could Osama resist being on those sandy Cuban beaches, among like-minded friends, kicking a soccer ball around the courtyard. And besides, at Gitmo there is nothing to worry about at the end of the day, except a few sore muscles from over-extension.

(Signed) As ever, Yellow Dog
 

My Dear Little Yellow-haired Dog:

There's a lot of electronic surveillance and taping being proposed in Jefferson City these days. What's your word for these scaredy-cat politicians?

(Signed) Herbert Dupont

Dear Dew:

Remember that opening scene in The Graduate, when Dustin Hoffman is being given investment advice from a friend who whispers knowingly: "Plastics." Well, the next time you see the security-conscious Guv, saddle up to him and whisper: "Rottweilers." Yes, Rottweilers--the guard dog of discriminating households.

Besides, Rottweilers need the work, otherwise they just lie around on some porch here in Branson, waiting for the next meal to appear in their doggie bowl. I say forget the panic buttons and the expensive surveillance equipment. Put Rottweilers on every corner and in every Mansion bedroom. They work cheap and are far more menacing then a hidden camera or a overweight-security guard.

(Signed) Ever a friend, Yellow Dog

Hi Yellow Dawg:

I enjoy your sometimes salty and salacious responses, but what do you see as your mission in the blogosphere?

(Signed) Hoozier Daddy

 

Dear Hooz: I'm a canine scribe-warrior, rooting out wrong doing and banishing gloom by inserting a little whimsey onto the politcal scene. BTW, I love your handle. Come back, my man.

 

 

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog


Dear Yell:

Have you been following this Tom DeLay scandal? All I can think of is that old song, "I was a big man yesterday but, boy, you ought to see me now." Any comments?

(Signed): R.T.Dukker

 

Dear Duke:

Oh,"how the mighty are fallen!" If you will permit me a pithy observation, as we say here in the K-9 world, "Some days your're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant."

 

(Signed): Your noble friend, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

Did you see the rating that Missouri got recently? Our Guv's disapproval rating was the thrid highest in the nation!!!

(Signed) Homer in Higginsville

Dear Double H:

Living in a state that most often ranks 40-something when it comes to funding education, social services, and road construction, I was delighted to see that we have moved up to third place in at least one category. But, the Guv is just getting started. Give him another few years and I betcha he wins the top slot.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

Dear Yellow:

Someone on this site was advertising a protest rally. Do you ever appear at rallies?

(Signed) Just Asking

Dear Justin:

I love a good rip-roaring rally. It brings out the mutt in all of us. But, alas, I had an appointment with my pedicurist that day. Here in Branson, where I hang out most of the time, everybody's a litle too laid back for such things. There's not much protesting going on, unless you count last winter when a bus load of tourists nearly mutinied when their driver got lost and they missed the first half of the Andy Williams Christmas Spectacular and Zoo Parade.

Besides, people here all agree on politics, religion, food, fashion, and music. There's nothing to fuss about--though, there was some mild disagreement on where to put the proposed fifty-foot neon welcoming sign that reads:"Branson, the Home of Harmony."

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

I read that there will be military base closings all across the country. What are we going to do with all those "left behind" communities?

(Signed) Stassen Rockwood

Dear Stassy:

I note your environmental, aesthetic, and economic sensitivity to this issue. You wonder if bases will dot our landscape like abandoned K-Marts? I don't know, but I did hear a rumor from my friend, Seymour, a Germany shepherd, who was a terrorist sniffer until he accidentally peed on the AG's leg during an airport check and got a "Bad Doggie Discharge."

Well, according to Seymour, who has never led me astray, (well, not often, at least, but that's another story), the closed bases may become terrorist detention camps. How novel! Think of the high-paying job opportunities. Seymour has already applied for re-instatement.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

It is great that someone else recognizes the need to stay loyal by making sure people know that you stick with your Democratic roots and beliefs. The name "Yellow Dog" tell it all. That is what is behind my name "Old Yeller." It is short for Old Yellow Dog.

 

(Signed): Loyal Reader, "Old Yeller"

 

 

 

 

Dear Loy,

 

When I got your message, I was sniffing around the state capitol, doing a little leg work for Wally, our Watch Dog--he can be such a dawdler at time, especially when there's lots of shrubbery to water--if you know what I mean.

 

But, please forgive me, I digress. After reading your note, I was so ecstatic, that I burst forth with a lyrical yowl:
"Dear, ole yeller,
You're my kinda feller.
Won't you come over and play?"
Of, course, I got beaned with a used printer cartridge thrown from a second-floor window, which only shows that freedom of speech ain't what it used to be around here.

(Signed): Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Sweet Yellow Dog:

 

 

I torture myself each morning reading about the missteps of our governor. Your wit and wisdom lighten my load. Tell me how you remain so cheerful?

 

(Signed): Pat Pollock

 

Dear Patty:

 

 

Yellow Dog remains cheerful through rigorous exercise, by having inspirational books read to her, and--on the worst days of Blunt's misdeeds--by indulging in an occasional Dog nip.

 

 

 

(Signed):Your friend and confidant,Yellow Dog

 

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

 

 

I have been writing the Governor with advice to get him up to speed on his new job. Yet, from the looks of his odometer, it appears he's been spending an awful lot of his time just driving around in a car? This is driving me crazy! How can I help?

 

(Signed): Charles Robert Blankenship, III

 

Dear Chuck:

 

The Governor and I are of one mind when it comes to the benefits of joy riding for ones mental health. I can't tell you how often I have hopped into a car a nervous wreck, panting and foaming at the mouth. But after a few hours of wind in my face and the soothing lyrics of an Amy Grant recording, I am greatly refreshed.

 

Now I ask you, where else can the Governor relax and listen to four uninterrupted hours of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, free from the stress of corporate and constituent demands? Do not begrudge him the peace that he finds on Missouri's highways.

Yes, private time is so very important for clearing the head. And, Chuck, we do want a clear-headed Governor, don't we? So quit complaining. Do less writing and more riding.

(Signed): Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog
 

Hi there, Yellow:

Tell me, are you a hunter?

(Signed) Dakota Holmstead

 

Dear Dakota:

 

I most certainly am. I am a mushroom hunter. But before you think of wandering into the woods, I warn you that mushroom hunting is a highly dangerous sport, requiring great skill and perspicacity. One mistake and you're a goner.

 

I am a lifetime member of the National Mushroom Hunters Association and will be glad for you to join us on our spring safari next year. For even more adventure, we sometimes stalk the wild asparagus.

(Signed): As always, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

If you will forgive the play on words, this site is literally "going to the dogs." In addition to your Q&A, there is now the Watch Dog on the other side of the page. Do you feel the competition?

(Signed) Tim Quisenberry

 
Dear Quiz:

I met the mysterious, bespectacled Watch Dog recently at the Fire Plug, a local Kibbles bar. Ever alert to promising talent, I was immediately attracted by his sophistication and perspicacity.

"Wally"--as close friends call him--is renown for being able to corner wrong-doers and give them the hind leg treatment they deserve.

And, what an eye he has! After a few bowls of Kibbles, he called me "his yellow-haired beauty." What rare discernment.

You will notice that I am well positioned on the front page to keep an eye on him. Stay tuned.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Doggie,

Give me you take on the Katy Trail brouhaha.

(Signed) Fred Dante

Dear Freddy:

I get some of my most robust ideas while ambling along the Katy Trail. I also chase a few rabbits and tree a couple of squirrels just for the exercise. It's a great place to relax and learn about Mother Nature and human nature, as well. Where else can I drool on total strangers who speak pleasantly to me, compliment my coat or disposition, and often share the last bite of their sandwich with me.

I wish the Governor would come walk on the trail. He needs to get out of that stuffy, Victorian Mansion, away from panic buttons, fawning lobbyists, greedy siblings,and hovering security guards and find out what real people think and feel.

I would be happy to escort him to Hartburg in exchange for a bowl of Kibbles.

(Signed) You obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Seeing as how it's Mother's Day, who would you pick as your favorite TV Mom?

(Signed) Norm Piggman

Dear Mr. Piggman:

This is not a hard one. It has to be Marge Simpson who nutures Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, as well as hubby Homer. Marge skillfully navigates motherhood all the while she's wearing bulky beads and supporting a blue, Marie Antoinette hairdo. Kudos to Marge for being the June Cleaver of the new century. You can't help but love a mother who gives such heartwarming advice as, "Let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream." That's my kind of Mom!

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

 

Hi Yellow Dog:

Where I come from the Baptists are as thick as fleas on a dog's back--please forgive the analogy. Still, in my opinion, there's no better folk on earth . . . except when they get led astray by some sanctimonious Bible-thumper who is long on Leviticus and short on Luke. Now some dopey preacher at the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has made all the Democrats leave the church. What do you think?

(Signed) Carson Newheart

Dear Carson:

I suspect God left that church some time ago. So why would anyone want to stay?

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

I understand that a manhunt is underway for K. Gary Sherman, Missouri's new director of Social Services who has yet to show up on the job. Do you suspect foul play?

(Signed) Concerned State Employee

Dear C.S. Employee:

I have put out an all-points bulletin to the kennel club statewide. They have dispatched a passel of bloodhounds who are strong on his scent even as we speak. In addition, a trusted Newfy is trolling the Missouri River and the Governor's office is beside themselves with worry--as well they should be. Do not panic, we are in hot pursuit and will bring him in. Stay tuned.

(Signed) Your trusted servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yel:

Did you catch that standup comedy routine by First Lady Laura Bush the other night? Talk about coming out of the closet!!!!

(Signed) Butler Harris

 

Dear Butt:

It was such a comfort to know that Library Lady could hold her own in a knee-slapping exchange with the raunchiest of Texans. These are "real folk," as we say here in the Ozarks, and not just plastic icons of moral virtue. Thank heavens, they are able to throw off the pious pretense and just be themselves.

Her husband's peccadilloes are hardly news to those who watch him kiss every baldheaded man he meets, walk hand-in-hand with an oil dictator, and reminisce about Splash Day, the milk-a-horse joke did raise a few eyebrows.

But my White House insider, Red Rover, tells me not to worry. The whole thing was staged to further anesthetize the liberal media. Surely not . . .

 

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

Hi there, Yellow:

I thought you would get a "howl" out of this cartoon. Take a look.

(Signed) An Admirer

 
Dear Ad:

Thanks for a good "woof." I'm still rolling over!

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Ms. Dog:

I've been reading about the Green Dog, who turned up on a posting to this site recently. Ever heard of him?

(Signed) Everett Reddy

Dear Ev:

I only know Green Dog by reputation. From his writings, however, I can tell that he is not the average mutt doused with food coloring for the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Green Dog is a political animal, a cross between a yellow dog and a blue dog Democrat. This rare breed produces a "moderate, progressive-thinking pooch, who is liberal on some issues, moderate on some, and a little conservative on some, and ambivalent on others." A rare breed, indeed, which is why I look forward to making his acquaintance at the next kennel club meetup.

Like myself, Green Dog is a "web star" much in demand for his insight on ethical, political, and cosmic issues. From his picture, however, he does appear a bit--shall we say--frazzled and unfocused. Perhaps more quiet time on the couch with a pleasant companion would help him unwind.

(Signed) Your admiring servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Is there any way the good people of Missouri can recall our boy governor, Matt Blunt?

(Signed) Sue Hyde

Dear Suzy:

Your question is one that stirs the imagination, as well as the political pot. I spoke to a legal Beagle with whom I ocassionaly rub noses and he says the Constitution of Missouri does not currently have a provision for the recall of a Governor. However,the state constitution can be changed, if a group of dedicated citizens were to gather enough signatures to put the issue on a statewide ballot.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog
 

Hi There, Yellow Dog:

I've been reading about Rep. Cynthia (or is it really Sinthia?) Davis, the Republican legislator. What's with her having personal taxes paid by her

 

 

campaign committee? Surely, she can't be that stupid.

 

 

 

(Signed) April Mae Wallace
 

Dear Ap:

As to the Hon. Sinthia Davis--and we know she is an honorable woman for she has been elected to an honorable position.

Her minimalist approach to government would assure that all our highways are paved with pea gravel, our schools beyond the 8th grade reserved for only those with the most promising test scores, and that our sick, elderly, and disabled go it on their own. Follow her, and BINGO, the budget is balanced! Now, wasn't that easy? What's all the fuss about anyway?

You have to hand it to ole Sinthia, though. She really practices what she believes--and what she believes is plum scary. To her, tax paying is unethical, burdensome, and ludicrous, seeing as how "welfare queens" are driving Cadillacs and having surgery on their lunch hour just for the fun of it.

Sadly, she is afflicted with an ancient ailment called LOPNOME (Let Others Pay, Not Me)--a degnerative disease that causes a vision problem, as well as a hardening of the heart and crippling of the spirit. It's so sad. The best treatment is isolation, so she is unable to inflict her disease on others.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yellow:

The other dog at our house, Mr. Woo, is much bigger than me and hassles me sometimes. How do I convince the humans at our house that I need panic buttons installed?

(Signed) Little Eddie
P.S. Mr Woo also tell me that when Bill Clinton was President, all the dogs had bones and there were plenty of bones for everyone, even the little dogs. I'm only three, so I don't remember Bill Clinton. Is this true or is he making up stories?
 

Dear Little Ed:

Listen carefully . . . Run--do not walk--to your nearest therapist! Anyone your age who needs panic buttons installed has mental health issues. I do hope you have medical coverage. Stay in touch.

Now, as to your postscript. You will discover, Little Ed, as you mature that there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who pat you on the head and those who kick you in the butt. The head-patters will even throw you an occasional bone, but the butt-kickers will hide your bone or give it to the Great Dane next door. Fortunately, we in the canine world figure this out faster than humans.

(Signed) Your bone-afid servant, Yellow Dog

My dear Ms. Dog:

I am a fan of Joyce Meyer's, the tele-evangelist, and want to know your thoughts about her and how they differ from the bloggers on this site? Are you just another ditto head?

(Signed): Mary Ann Magdelyn

Dear M&M:

I will address your question despite your naive insinuation. I would have you to know that my female, canine club--"Itches of the Ozarks"--named me Howler of the Year as a tribute to my independence. In our recent conclave in Poplar Bluff, we voted to make the Reverend Myers an honorary member. I know she will be both surprised and pleased by her selection. Our motto is: If you've got it, flaunt it. You tell Joycie to keep givin'em hell and her listeners will keep givin' her $$$!! On another matter, would you please ask the Rev to adjust her microphones. The pitch of her voice sets off my tracking collar, causing a shrill sound in my ears.

(Signed) Ever of service, Yellow Dog

P.S. Tell Joyce if she needs another lapdog, I'm available and would be much more obedient and require far smaller housing than her live-in children.

Woof, Woof, Yellow Dog:

I don't expect you to be a handwriting expert, but I thought you might have a "slant," so to speak, on the Governor's signature. What do you think it means?

(Signed) Suzette Archibald

My dear Ms. Archibald:

First, let me say I find your over-familiar and condescending salutation highly offensive to one of my breed. I will, nonetheless, address your question by quoting my favorite Southern gentleman, who once said, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Yellow Dog cannot be a part of such sophomoric speculation as you, and others, present. There is so much wrong in this administration, that I have no time to paw over trifling matter. I am far more concerned about the Governor's political tilt, then the angle of his pencil.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog
 

Hi there Yello:

I've been reading about the "gift-rental" motor home provided for the Blunt

 

 

campaign's Family Values Tour. I'm planning a trip and want to know where I can get a deal like that?

 

 

 

(Signed) Harry Humperdinkle

Dear Humpty,

No more motor home trips for me, ever since I spent a week in one with a yipping, little Chihuahua. I much prefer riding a Greyhound. But for those needing style and comfort while crusing the countryside, the best deal is at Kehoe. No doubt Mr. Kehoe is an equal opportunity leasor and will offer you the same "arrangement," (wink, wink), that he made the Guv. Ask for the "

 

 

campaign package" that comes with a well-stocked bar, Jacuzzi, plush upholstry, and an assortment of M&Ms.

 

 

 

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

P.S. If you pass through the Ozarks, give me a whistle and we'll go for a splash in the pond.

 
Dear Yellow:

What do you think of the internet ZabaSearch that reveals personal information about everybody? And, do you have anything to hide?

(Signed) T-Bone Taylor

Dear T.T.

As you have noticed, I stay on the cutting edge of technology. In fact, I wear a tracking collar that is attractively set with rhinestones--my favorite gem. These FiredUp bloggers say that my "neck bracelet" is necessary to alert me to any emergency questions that come in. But come to think of it, they seem to know an awful lot about my social life and habits. Hmmm . . .

I suspect that Walmart will someday embed a tracking and marketing devise in all newborns--free of charge, of course--so the mega-market can better serve our needs. Just think of ZabaSearch as a preview of things to come.

Do I have anything to hide, you ask? Only an occasional bone.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog.
 

Dear YD:

I'm confused. I thought I was living in a world where people took care of each other and accepted responsibility for being good citizens. I don't understand how those who represent us can continue to attack those least able to defend themselves--the elderly, children, and indigent. How do we all get together to "raise our hind legs" collectively on this group of "evil doers" who control our future?

(Signed) Yellow Pup in Training

Dear Puppy:

First, please forgive me for abbreviating your letter to fit the space. I will be brief and indelicate. "Raise our hind legs," you say? We can do better than that. Let's all raise hell.

(Signed) You Affectionate Servant, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Ms. Dog:

This question is probably a hot potato, but I know it has been on people's minds: Do you think the flag being flown at half-mast was really in honor of the Pope or merely another political move to up the administration's approval ratings? How should the separation of church and state apply here.

(Signed) Cybil Disobedience

Cybil, Cybil, Cybil . . .

You are barking up the wrong tree here--or in this case flag pole--reading far too much into this traditional show of respect for a deceased head of state or other notables. As to the separation of church and state, in my humble view, it does not apply in this instance at all. There are some serious wrongs to correct in our society, my dear, but flag-flying for the deceased is not one of them.

(Signed)As always, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

A couple of questions. . .what do you think about the R's behavior, when during debate of Medicaid cuts, Rick Johnson,(D-Jeff.Co),likened the cuts to "survival of the fittest" and the Republicans mocked his comments with animal noises? Where's the outrage? I can't believe my fellow citizen are that insensitive. What can we do about it?

(Signed) J. G. Osgood, M.D.

Dear Doc,

I hate to use this expression, but it's a "dog eat dog" world in Jefferson City today. I suspect we will hear more howling and yipping from Republicans as the Dems start rubbing their noses in the mess they've made. However, from my experience, J.G.,expressing outrage is a lot like baying at the moon--an idle pasttime that does little to change the course of lunar events.
The Dems need alternatives that work and candidates with the spine to fight the cruel agenda of the so-called "religious" right. Visit your local coffee shop. People are figuring it out. A. Lincon was right:You can't fool all of the people,all of the time.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog
P.S. If you're a vet, stay in touch.
 

Dear Ms. Dog,

What do you think of the outcome of the Special Election?

(Signed) Radically Blue

Dear Rad:

I was so elated by the Barnitz victory in the 16th senatorial district. I ran around the yard, barking, "Frank, Frank, you did it!" Now the race in Jefferson County was, as we say, a dog of another color. Let me repeat the first rule I learned in puppy politics. "Thou shalt not run two Democrats against one Republican, for thou will loseth." Each Jeff County Democrat should get a 3x5-card and attach it to his bathroom mirror that reads: "It's unity, stupid."

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog,

Tell me, did Speaker "Sin City" Jetton take his new pup, King, to Hot Springs on his legislative break or did he leave him home alone?

(Signed) Concerned

Dear Connie:

My heart broke as I read the story. I do hope the Speaker of the House will relieve my anxiety by setting the record straight on this delicate matter. As we all know, puppyhood is such a formative time, requiring extensive home care and good example. And, heaven forbid Jetton taking "baby King" with him to some Arkansas den of inquity. I never thought I would see the day when family values were trashed so blatantly.

(Signed) Your Obedient Servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow,

What do you think of those Republican legislators taking the freebie trip to Hot Springs, attending a $4,500 party, taking hot baths, and betting on the ponies?

(Signed) Jealous and Working Overtime

Dear JWO:

Now, now, JWO . . .one can hardly deny our lawmakers some robust merrymaking from time to time and, certainly, that $4,500 bash should last them quite a while. But please, take pity on the poor lobbyists--the neediest of humans--who must buy their friends from among such a sorry lot as these.

But forgive me, I digress. As to the hot baths, for which the area is well know, I shutter and shake just thinking of them. I abhor hot baths, though they have been inflicted upon me on occasion. I quite prefer a scum-covered, farm pond nestled in a serene cow pasture in which I can bathe au natural. Perhaps I can convince these playful, old rascals in the General Assembly to join me for the kennel club's Hedonistic Hiatus at this time next year.

As to racing, I've chased a few cars down the road of life, but I've never caught one.

(Signed)Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

Is that your real name or an alias? Actually, my main question is historic and political in nature. I read Sen. Eagleton's and Sen. Carnahan's guest editorials, but that got me to wondering. Whatever happened to such one-time notables as Jim Spainhower, Joe Teasdale, Bill Webster, and Bill "Full-Time" Phelps?

(Signed) Spam

Dear Spammy,

No, Yellow dog is not my real name. I use a pseudonym, because my real name, Dame Dawg, is far too sophisticated for this site. The name denotes my English lineage, but is often mispronounced by the more profane who speak to me.

Nonetheless, I am delighted by your question, which shows an interest in historic matter that is shared by this writer. I will put one of my canine friends on this quest. He is a most charming bird dog, eager to please and fast.

(Signed)Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

Did you have a chance to see the saffron- colored banners recently displayed in Central Park? Do think the artist meant to make a political statement?

(Signed) Contessa

Dear Tess,

Actually, I did glimpse the artwork as I frolicked in the park with a Doberman pinscher, who had loosed the chains of his owner. What a psychedelic experience, racing about amid all that flowing color!

Color, dear Tessie, is always good wherever it is found, for it makes a statement in fashion, politics, and life. Take my word, saffron is the color of choice this season. Do not turn up your nose, saying this is just another excuse to make us ladies wear orange. I really look quite stunning in my orange,I mean my saffron-colored nail polish with matching neckband.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

I take offense to your comment about the disgusting French Poodle. As a French American Poodle looking at the photograph it is clear to me that this is the work of the French Bulldog.

(Signed) S.Sherman

Dear Sherm,

Regretably, my canine friend, Robespierre--with whom I have an occasional romp in the park--was also offended by my cavalier reaction to the picture in question.

Being a new "web starlette," I fear that the demands for propriety will curtail the spontaneity for which we yellow dogs are known. As I explained to Robey, on a site of this nature we must paw a fine line, being careful neither to muzzle expression or dampen our opposition.

(Signed) Your faithful servant,Yellow Dog

My Dear Ms.Dog:

There are rumors that the governor is worried about the ghosts at the Mansion and has installed panic buttons just in case. What do you know about ghosts?

(Signed) Jake Tumblweed

Dear J.T.

As my Grandsire said when we strolled through the cemetery one evening, "It's the ones on this side of the ground that will kick your rear, not those underneath."

In view of the recent budget cuts, my advice to the governor is: Stay out of kicking range of the disabled, the poor, the unemployed, the uninsured, teachers, veterans, students, and government workers.

This will be difficult. Perhaps the Mansion-- even with its ghosts--is the best place to hole up for now.

(Signed) Your obedient servant,Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

Gaaaggg! That gosh-awful smell in Carthage???? Who caused it?

(Signed)Bummed Out

Dear Bummy,

All I've got to say is: It wasn't me!!!

(Signed)As Always, Yellow Dog


Dear Y. Dog:

They are beginning to close license fee offices. Will that mean longer lines and less service? But, I guess you've never been in a fee office, seeing as how you're canine.

(Signed)Blue in St. Louis County

Dear St.Louie Blue:

Yes, I went to a fee office once. Line standing is not one of my inbred traits. Patience, I have not. I figit and drool and scratch. So, when I got bored I began nibbling on the fat lady's ankle in front of me. She let out a bloodcurdling yelp and gave me a whack with her umbrella. This immediately got the attention of those behind the counter who scurried to be of help. We were handled with dispatch and escorted onto the street. How's that for service? The umbrella lady, grateful for my assistance, gave me a wink and pat on the head.

(Signed) Your grateful servant, Yellow Dog

 

Hi Yellow Dog:

Reading about the changes in the Bankruptcy regulations brought a question to mind. Does Missouri have a Homestead exception with regard to personal bankruptcies? If not, why? Also, just love the FiredUP! website. Thanks!

(Signed) Sport

Dear Sportster:

Yellow Dog is not an authority on such things, but a canine friend, a charming legal-Beagle, tells me that under Section 513.475 of the Missouri Code, the state's homestead exemption is $15,000.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

Tell me, are you the one responsible for that awful picture at the Police Hunt Poo Protesters blog?

(Signed) Angry Reader

Dear Ann:

Yellow Dog is incensed by your implications. It is undoubtedly the work of some disgusting French Poodle. Yellow Dog is from the Ozarks where breeding is everything.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Speaking of dogs, what happened to the former First Dog, Governor Carnahan's Newfoundland, Beau?

(Signed) An Admirer

Dear A.A.

Beaumont, as he was affectionately called, spent seven happy years entertaining children who visited the Governor's Mansion. He died in 2000, was cremated, and buried beside the stone wall on the side lawn of the Mansion, joining hamsters, kittens, and parakeets and other First Family pets interred there over the years.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant,Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

Missouri is often referred to as a bellwether state. What does that mean?

(Signed) Inquiring Mind

Dear I. Mind:

It means that as Missouri goes, so goes the nation. The word originally described the male sheep, or wether, who led the flock often wearing a bell. Missouri comes by the bellwether distinction, having picked the winner in all but one presidential election in the last century. The Show-Me state broke ranks with the nation in 1956, selecting Adlai Stevenson over Dwight Eiswenhower.

Some political pundits, however, suggest that Missouri could more appropriately be called a weathervane state today, one that indicates what has already become accepted and mainstream elsewhere.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

When was the last change made to the minimum wage?

(Signed) Minerva Leapheart

Dear Minnie:

That was back in 1997, when the minimum wage was boosted to $5.15 an hour. A vote to increase it by $2.10 over the next 26 months was recently voted down in Congress. Since the beginning of the minimum wage in 1938, there have been twelve presidents--six Democrats, six Republicans. Dems have made 14 changes to the minimum wage, while the GOP made 6. It appears that Dubya will follow Reagan's lead in disallowing any increase during his term of office.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

I keep reading about the Republicans spending a trillion here and a trillion there. Just how much is a trillion dollars?

(Signed) A Worried Democrat

 

 

Dear Worried Dem:

 

It's hard for most folks to understand such large sums, even those in Washington. But a trillion dollars is a one with twelve zeroes. If you spent one dollar a second, it would take 31,700 years to spend a trillion dollars. The Bush administration has squandered a 5.6 trillion dollar surplus and we now face a half trillion-dollar deficit . . and counting.

(Signed) You willing servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

 

I've often wondered why a voter has to declare a party affiliation when voting in a Missouri primary, but not in the general election. Why is that?

(Signed) Simone B.

Dear Si:

 

In a primary, you are technically voting to choose the nominee of each party for the general election, thus you have to state a party preference. However, in the general election, you are free to pick and choose among the parties for your candidates.

(Signed) Most cordially, Yellow Dog

Dear Doggie:

 

Okay, I just had to ask this. What's the significance of a "yellow dog" in politics?"

(Signed) Morton K. Ambush

My Dear Mr. Ambush:

The Yellow Dog resents the familiar and demeaning nature of your salutation. Nonetheless, I will address your question. The term became popular during the 1928 election when southern Democrats were reluctant to support Al Smith for President, but voted for him out of loyalty to their party, causing some to say they would "rather vote for a yellow dog than a Republican." It is meant as a compliment for one who is a staunch believer in his/her ideals--as I, most certainly, am.

(Signed) Proudly, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

A friend of mine says that back in 1932, when President Roosevelt was first elected, he carried every county in Missouri except Gasconade. Is that right?

(Signed) Mason Crumbley

Dear Mace:

Your friend is off by a few counties. Actually, Hoover carried Douglas, Ozark, Putnam, Taney, and Warren counties, in addition to Gasconade--a total of only six counties. But Gasconade gave him the greatest margin that year: 573 votes.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow DogI see that Princes William and Harry have been cavorting and canoodling in the pubs again. Any advice here?

yellowdog@firedupmissouri.com